Does anyone suffer from mental illness on here?

[Danishfurniturelover]

fudging struggling a bit at the moment. Without going into too much detail, myself and my wife had a massive blowout Christmas Day. She got drunk and verbally abused me and attempted to go for me in front of the kids. Wasn’t the first time. Since then she’s denied, denied, denied. She pushed it down the legal route. Got served with court papers last week where, amongst other flimflam, she falsely used the death of my father last year against me. Have to go see a barrister tomorrow to respond to the justifications for ending the marriage she made against me.

Last month, my mam was diagnosed with cancer. She got bought into hospital last week and yesterday I spent the day holding the hand of a petrified 83 year old woman crying for her mother. The doctors told us yesterday to prepare ourselves.

The only things that have bought me much pleasure over the last two months have been Spurs and my kids. I guess they’re the only two things that are for life. Yesterday was one of the brickest days I’ve had but it felt great to leave out a scream when Harry scored. Football isn’t as important as life and death, nowhere near, but it’s fudging wonderful.

Not sure why I’ve gone and put all that on here. Been struggling under the weight of it today I guess and the people on here have always struck me as good uns too.

Oh hell mate thats tough. Marriage break ups are hard at the best of times.

Think the most important thing is to spend as much time with your mother right now, comfort her as much as you can. That takes a lot out of you so make sure you keep your distance from the wife at the moment because it is a natural reaction to speak out when stressed and that will just make matters worse.

I hope you have a good relationship with your mother, if so remember all the good times. Tell her as much as you can you love her, dont let her know much about your other problems, it is a lot to take on. But you will feel better down the line knowing you protected her from any issues towards the end.

Find a healthy way to let off steam, not sure what your thing is. But it is like a pot boiling on a stove, we can all boil over sometimes so you need to find a way to lower the heat without any water coming over the side(easier said then done and not something I have mastered yet)

Spend as much time as you can manage doing deep breathing exercise, particularly when talking with the wife. Also remember despite what the liberal media will tell you, the society we are in is very much anti men at the moment. You are going to have to show huge resolve and self discipline with her to win the PR war with family and friends and though they might initially blame you. If you give people enough time they always show their true colours.

Really sorry about your mum.

 

[Bullet]

Agreed - focus on your kids and your mum.
Your wife will be a distant memory in 10 years' time, when Poch is drinking champagne out of a 'Spurs-engraved-CL-trophy'

In a quiet moment, make some notes about the things your wife has said and done which would NOT look good in court.

 

[monkeybarry]

@DeanoAustin
I have no words of wisdom like the above.
But find yourself somewhere peaceful (physically and/or mentally) you can turn to.
Sounds like things are going to get brick - set yourself up for success.
Those peaceful moments might just be the strength you need to do whatever it is you need to do.

 

[Daisuk]

fudging struggling a bit at the moment. Without going into too much detail, myself and my wife had a massive blowout Christmas Day. She got drunk and verbally abused me and attempted to go for me in front of the kids. Wasn’t the first time. Since then she’s denied, denied, denied. She pushed it down the legal route. Got served with court papers last week where, amongst other flimflam, she falsely used the death of my father last year against me. Have to go see a barrister tomorrow to respond to the justifications for ending the marriage she made against me.

Last month, my mam was diagnosed with cancer. She got bought into hospital last week and yesterday I spent the day holding the hand of a petrified 83 year old woman crying for her mother. The doctors told us yesterday to prepare ourselves.

The only things that have bought me much pleasure over the last two months have been Spurs and my kids. I guess they’re the only two things that are for life. Yesterday was one of the brickest days I’ve had but it felt great to leave out a scream when Harry scored. Football isn’t as important as life and death, nowhere near, but it’s fudging wonderful.

Not sure why I’ve gone and put all that on here. Been struggling under the weight of it today I guess and the people on here have always struck me as good uns too.

fudging hell, mate, that's tough. No wonder you feel like brick. Good to hear that there is some light in there with the kids and Spurs. I know it probably won't help much, but having those sources of light when you're down is invaluable. Hang in there, and don't feel ashamed for sharing on here, it can feel good to vent to someone, and it's not always easy to do it with "real" mates. Sounds like you're doing the right thing focusing on caring for your mother, and your kids. Good luck in the time to come - although they seem like far away now, there will be better days.

 

[90291Spur]

Watching the Parkinsons programme on channel 2. Feel like throwing up, but it is good, weird mixture of fear and hope. Strange emotions to go through.

Really hope it works for people.

I am going to China for the stem cell one next January/February.

Best of luck and if it feels right, keep updating us so we can keep sending good vibes to your aura.

 

[90291Spur]

fudging struggling a bit at the moment. Without going into too much detail, myself and my wife had a massive blowout Christmas Day. She got drunk and verbally abused me and attempted to go for me in front of the kids. Wasn’t the first time. Since then she’s denied, denied, denied. She pushed it down the legal route. Got served with court papers last week where, amongst other flimflam, she falsely used the death of my father last year against me. Have to go see a barrister tomorrow to respond to the justifications for ending the marriage she made against me.

Last month, my mam was diagnosed with cancer. She got bought into hospital last week and yesterday I spent the day holding the hand of a petrified 83 year old woman crying for her mother. The doctors told us yesterday to prepare ourselves.

The only things that have bought me much pleasure over the last two months have been Spurs and my kids. I guess they’re the only two things that are for life. Yesterday was one of the brickest days I’ve had but it felt great to leave out a scream when Harry scored. Football isn’t as important as life and death, nowhere near, but it’s fudging wonderful.

Not sure why I’ve gone and put all that on here. Been struggling under the weight of it today I guess and the people on here have always struck me as good uns too.

It takes a brave person to share personal pain - and thank you for doing that so that we can offer you our distant digital support. Sending good thoughts your way, and to your mam too.

 

[DeanoAustin]

Thanks everyone for the replies. Much appreciated - it really does help. You're not just yids, you're good people although they sort of go hand in hand

 

[Gilzeantoscore]

Thanks everyone for the replies. Much appreciated - it really does help. You're not just yids, you're good people although they sort of go hand in hand

Having been in the same position, I can tell you that things do get better. In fact, my Missus did me a big favour, cause now I have my kids and I don't have that bitch in my life. Stay strong mate!

 

[DeanoAustin]

Having been in the same position, I can tell you that things do get better. In fact, my Missus did me a big favour, cause now I have my kids and I don't have that bitch in my life. Stay strong mate!

Thanks mate. That’s what’s keeping me going. There’s light at the end of the tunnel and I’ll come out with two kids who mean the world to me and hopefully with Hugo hoisting the Champions League trophy above his head.

Just a bit of brick to wade through before then. Went to see barrister this morning. She basically said “no one cares about which of ye did what. At this stage it comes down to pounds, shillings and pence and making sure the kids are looked after.”

Bit of a Road to Damascus moment. I can throw all the brick I like but there’s no point beyond the little bit of instant gratification. My marriage is a business transaction at this stage. Would just love it to be done now to let us both get on with our lives.

 

[ricky2tricky4city]

Thanks mate. That’s what’s keeping me going. There’s light at the end of the tunnel and I’ll come out with two kids who mean the world to me and hopefully with Hugo hoisting the Champions League trophy above his head.

Just a bit of brick to wade through before then. Went to see barrister this morning. She basically said “no one cares about which of ye did what. At this stage it comes down to pounds, shillings and pence and making sure the kids are looked after.”

Bit of a Road to Damascus moment. I can throw all the brick I like but there’s no point beyond the little bit of instant gratification. My marriage is a business transaction at this stage. Would just love it to be done now to let us both get on with our lives.

If that's how you see it ie a business transaction, and all love has departed, then that's good in a way as you can see it in black and white. And if its like that there is little mileage in point scoring. Women are more emotional creatures than us (on the outside anyway), she may have all kinds of sh.it buzzing round in her head, there is no need to poke the hornets nest. Your optimal goal is an amicable split and good access to your kids.

Obviously i dont know your mrs but you do, so you can probably gauge her attitude once the dust settles. Some women are poison, will hold grudges, blame and be a taco about anything relating to you, just to constantly 'pay you back'. Hopefully yours will realise that sh.it moves on and the new life might be better.

Plus you have your mum to think about and all that that will bring in the coming months.

Financially i'm not sure where this is going to leave you either, as that can be just as crippling when a couple split and can lead to it's own problems.

With so much going on it's difficult to have a clear head but do keep checking in with this thread as we're all here to listen and help.

 

[90291Spur]

Thanks mate. That’s what’s keeping me going. There’s light at the end of the tunnel and I’ll come out with two kids who mean the world to me and hopefully with Hugo hoisting the Champions League trophy above his head.

Just a bit of brick to wade through before then. Went to see barrister this morning. She basically said “no one cares about which of ye did what. At this stage it comes down to pounds, shillings and pence and making sure the kids are looked after.”

Bit of a Road to Damascus moment. I can throw all the brick I like but there’s no point beyond the little bit of instant gratification. My marriage is a business transaction at this stage. Would just love it to be done now to let us both get on with our lives.

A close mate of mine is going through a separation and divorce and he has also been advised to keep his eyes on the bigger prize rather than score small points. In therapy and mediation he is tempted to get his digs in but reminds himself of the full picture - the future and his kids - and refocuses. Sending good thoughts your way.

 

[DeanoAustin]

She's proper off her head. I know ye are only getting one side of the story here and of course it's going to be biased but I'm not a liar. She's saying I'm the one who brought the marriage over a cliff.

She's the one who got so smashed she went for me, she refused to give up drinking, she brought us to mediation, she brought solicitors into it, she refused marriage counselling 5 times and she initiated court papers. I haven't been an angel in all this in that I've fought my own corner and sometimes I haven't been pleasant but all of the above are facts. Yet she's saying I've put us in this position. And the thing is, she 100% believes what she is saying. She's even inventing conversations that happened. It's gotten to the point where I'm genuinely questioning myself all the time because there is no more convincing a liar than one who absolutely believes their own stories.

I've never seen anything like it.

 

[Gilzeantoscore]

She's proper off her head. I know ye are only getting one side of the story here and of course it's going to be biased but I'm not a liar. She's saying I'm the one who bought the marriage over a cliff.

She's the one who got so smashed she went for me, she refused to give up drinking, she bought us to mediation, she bought solicitors into it, she refused marriage counselling 5 times and she initiated court papers. I haven't been an angel in all this in that I've fought my own corner and sometimes I haven't been pleasant but all of the above are facts. Yet she's saying I've put us in this position. And the thing is, she 400% believes what she is saying. She's even inventing conversations that happened. It's gotten to the point where I'm genuinely questioning myself all the time because there is no more convincing a liar than one who absolutely believes their own stories.

I've never seen anything like it.

Mate my missus went nuts too. She stopped sending our kids to school. My oldest daughter didn't attend for two years. Her nut job mother, would get her dressed in uniform, make her lunch and then kept her at home. The loonie even coached my daughter to make up stories to tell me about her 'day at school.' Now I have full custody of both children and my eldest daughter is at university doing a Master's of Education degree. BTW, my eldest refuses to even speak to her mother now, she hasn't seen her for three years.

 

[Parklaner81]

She's proper off her head. I know ye are only getting one side of the story here and of course it's going to be biased but I'm not a liar. She's saying I'm the one who bought the marriage over a cliff.

She's the one who got so smashed she went for me, she refused to give up drinking, she bought us to mediation, she bought solicitors into it, she refused marriage counselling 5 times and she initiated court papers. I haven't been an angel in all this in that I've fought my own corner and sometimes I haven't been pleasant but all of the above are facts. Yet she's saying I've put us in this position. And the thing is, she 400% believes what she is saying. She's even inventing conversations that happened. It's gotten to the point where I'm genuinely questioning myself all the time because there is no more convincing a liar than one who absolutely believes their own stories.

I've never seen anything like it.

I have a couple of family members like that and I've resigned myself to the fact that once a person reaches a certain level of delusion, there is absolutely no point even attempting to reason/negotiate/whatever with them. They can justify any amount of their own conduct while completely trashing other parties, entirely irrespective of the facts of the matter. I no longer engage in conversation or debates with such people because absolutely no good can come out of it. Almost an 'agree to disagree' position but far from all viewpoints being valid, I just remind myself and, if necessary, others that these people appear to be delusional, and leave it at that. Perhaps not all that helpful, but at least it reminds you where the problem truly lies, and that you're far better off with it being (at least) arms length from yourself.

 

[DeanoAustin]

Yeah having spoken to my solicitor yesterday, I’m at the stage of “We’ve two things to discuss – kids and financials. No one else is interested beyond that so there’s no point discussing who is right and who is wrong.”

My view is, if she wants to carry on like that, let her. I’m sure some people will think worse of me but my mates know my side and they’ve stuck by me 100% and always will. I also believe that she’ll do the same thing in her next relationship and the people who believe her now will eventually have to start questioning her versions of events.

 

[Mosquito_Coasting]

She's proper off her head. I know ye are only getting one side of the story here and of course it's going to be biased but I'm not a liar. She's saying I'm the one who bought the marriage over a cliff.

She's the one who got so smashed she went for me, she refused to give up drinking, she bought us to mediation, she bought solicitors into it, she refused marriage counselling 5 times and she initiated court papers. I haven't been an angel in all this in that I've fought my own corner and sometimes I haven't been pleasant but all of the above are facts. Yet she's saying I've put us in this position. And the thing is, she 400% believes what she is saying. She's even inventing conversations that happened. It's gotten to the point where I'm genuinely questioning myself all the time because there is no more convincing a liar than one who absolutely believes their own stories.

I've never seen anything like it.

Sounds like classic gaslighting from her.

 

[Mosquito_Coasting]

Also I'm very sorry to hear of this amount of trauma you're having to deal with over the course of a short space of time. I can only echo the advice of the others on this thread, try to cut out as many of the stresses that you can and spend quality time with your kids and people you love.

 

[DeanoAustin]

Sounds like classic gaslighting from her.

Thanks a lot mate. I knew there was something wrong, just wasn't sure what it is. Her mam has a mental illness and thought that might fit but it didn't. I'd never heard this term before so did some reading up since you posted. In my view, this is 100% it. The stuff I've read is like it's been written directly about her behaviour. Thanks again.

 

[Mosquito_Coasting]

Thanks a lot mate. I knew there was something wrong, just wasn't sure what it is. Her mam has a mental illness and thought that might fit but it didn't. I'd never heard this term before so did some reading up since you posted. In my view, this is 400% it. The stuff I've read is like it's been written directly about her behaviour. Thanks again.

You're very welcome, glad it helped. It is good to be able to place behaviours in psychological ideas, I think it brings the comfort and calm that understanding always brings. Also shows you that you're not alone. Just put gaslighting into Reddit and I am sure that loads of threads full of personal stories will come up.

With gaslighting it doesn't matter how sure the gaslighter seems that they are right, they are still lying. It is hard when you're on the end of it as they seem so absolutely sure (probably playing out some other perceived injustice in their psyche - therefore they feel justified lying) and thus you doubt yourself and get weirded out, as well as feeling furious at the unfairness. Gaslighting is often a symptom of another mental health problem or personality disorder, so it could still be something linked to her mother.

 

[90291Spur]

Thanks a lot mate. I knew there was something wrong, just wasn't sure what it is. Her mam has a mental illness and thought that might fit but it didn't. I'd never heard this term before so did some reading up since you posted. In my view, this is 400% it. The stuff I've read is like it's been written directly about her behaviour. Thanks again.

My mum is borderline personality disorder and would, more often than not, make up conversations, alter the substance of conversations and in effect gaslight. If a person has a personality disorder, most of the time it is impossible to get them to budge an inch. Sounds like you’re doing all the right things in getting expert advice and looking at the bigger picture. Thoughts are with you.