Does anyone suffer from mental illness on here?

[spurspinter1]

Thanks, mate! I've been having trouble letting go of the past and moving forward, so much bad stuff happened last summer, felt like I lost everything. And on top of the shame of my psychosis (I wrote a lot of weird stuff to people that I'm deeply ashamed of) and the grief of losing a long term relationship (that ultimately wasn't good for me, of course), Ive been dragging myself down with a lot of dark thoughts about myself and what type of character I am. I've been working on seeing through that flimflam, and negative thoughts in general, how they're very often distorted and exaggerated - and that its having the thoughts themselves, and not the content of them, that is the main thing keeping me down in the gutter. As I wrote to Steff, i thankfully have a few clear days every now and then, it's like coming up for air and I can see myself actually having a life worth living eventually. Its going slow, but I'm hopefully getting there. One day at a time! Thanks for your kind words.

Just remember to not judge yourself by your worst actions, I doubt you'd do the same to others so allow yourself the same kindness and grace. Everyone out there has situations / conversations where they later on realize they should have gone a different way about things, nobody gets it perfect 1st time.

As some delight in bringing up, during my bad times I've gone absolutely off on people here, in what was essentially an unproductive way even if provoked, it still wasn't okay. That doesn't stop me doing my best to be a productive person in day to day life. Make amends where you can, but understand where it isn't appropriate/ possible to do so. In that case it's just up to you to be honest with yourself and work on whatever triggered you to being a version of yourself that you, in a clear state of mind, don't like or possibly even recognize. It's a tricky balance, you don't want to dwell on those times as fuel for self negativity but imo it's helpful as a reference, which can take a bit to confront (obviously all of this is just my opinion given my experiences which don't sound absolutely miles off what you went through but I could be mistaken as everyone's journey is different).

From the odd update it sounds like things are going well with you ie getting in to some kind of positive routine with the job as well as having a great time at a gig - Both of those are massive, huge progress. Give yourself credit, for some it's a miracle just getting out of bed / having a shower etc. For others, they stroll through life unaffected by everything, never questioning themselves or the world around them, they're the real ones to watch out for if you ask me mate!

 

[Bullet]

@Daisuk You sound like a really nice fella, turning your life around.
And I know you are very intelligent because your mushroom-powered-essays displayed a huge knowledge and a fantastic grasp of the English language that would put many Brits to shame.
So you have a lot lot lot to offer the world; in the words of David Gedge; go out and get 'em boy!

 

[Daisuk]

Sounds like you’re doing okay to me. It’s a process to get through the kind of things you’re dealing with and it sounds like you’ve accepted that, and that you are moving through it.

Glad you can see a light. Keep going, buddy.

Thanks. Yeah, it's definitely a process you can't just skip through.

Just remember to not judge yourself by your worst actions, I doubt you'd do the same to others so allow yourself the same kindness and grace. Everyone out there has situations / conversations where they later on realize they should have gone a different way about things, nobody gets it perfect 1st time.

As some delight in bringing up, during my bad times I've gone absolutely off on people here, in what was essentially an unproductive way even if provoked, it still wasn't okay. That doesn't stop me doing my best to be a productive person in day to day life. Make amends where you can, but understand where it isn't appropriate/ possible to do so. In that case it's just up to you to be honest with yourself and work on whatever triggered you to being a version of yourself that you, in a clear state of mind, don't like or possibly even recognize. It's a tricky balance, you don't want to dwell on those times as fuel for self negativity but imo it's helpful as a reference, which can take a bit to confront (obviously all of this is just my opinion given my experiences which don't sound absolutely miles off what you went through but I could be mistaken as everyone's journey is different).

From the odd update it sounds like things are going well with you ie getting in to some kind of positive routine with the job as well as having a great time at a gig - Both of those are massive, huge progress. Give yourself credit, for some it's a miracle just getting out of bed / having a shower etc. For others, they stroll through life unaffected by everything, never questioning themselves or the world around them, they're the real ones to watch out for if you ask me mate!

Yeah, I was completely out of my mind quite literally last summer, so while I have had to take responsibility for the hurt and distress I caused others while in that state, which I've done as far as I could (one person reported me to the police, so I can't even apoligize to her, but I've just had to accept that), I also have to recognize that I never willfully entered into that state, and none of the things I said to other people are things I would've said to them in my normal state. It's a process though, I still have days where I'm extremely ashamed of what I've said. I just couldn't properly cope with my ex wife having cheated on me and lied to my face for at least 10 years, and everything else she did the last year we were together - and while it's no excuse for my drug abuse, it's somewhat of a mitigating factor. I ended up doing so much drugs to take the edge of a reality I simply didn't know how to deal with / live with. It just blindsided me beyond my wits. But as you say, I'd also like to think about it as a reference for a place I don't want to go back to, while trying to not bury myself in the shame of having been there.
@Daisuk You sound like a really nice fella, turning your life around.

And I know you are very intelligent because your mushroom-powered-essays displayed a huge knowledge and a fantastic grasp of the English language that would put many Brits to shame.
So you have a lot lot lot to offer the world; in the words of David Gedge; go out and get 'em boy!

Thanks, mate! that's a little something to take from it all, I guess!

 

[thfcsteff]

Thanks. Yeah, it's definitely a process you can't just skip through.


Yeah, I was completely out of my mind quite literally last summer, so while I have had to take responsibility for the hurt and distress I caused others while in that state, which I've done as far as I could (one person reported me to the police, so I can't even apoligize to her, but I've just had to accept that), I also have to recognize that I never willfully entered into that state, and none of the things I said to other people are things I would've said to them in my normal state. It's a process though, I still have days where I'm extremely ashamed of what I've said. I just couldn't properly cope with my ex wife having cheated on me and lied to my face for at least 10 years, and everything else she did the last year we were together - and while it's no excuse for my drug abuse, it's somewhat of a mitigating factor. I ended up doing so much drugs to take the edge of a reality I simply didn't know how to deal with / live with. It just blindsided me beyond my wits. But as you say, I'd also like to think about it as a reference for a place I don't want to go back to, while trying to not bury myself in the shame of having been there.
@Daisuk You sound like a really nice fella, turning your life around.


Thanks, mate! that's a little something to take from it all, I guess!

You hopefully are starting to allow yourself the enormous pride you deserve to feel for confronting yourself, not lying to yourself, seeing your faults and responsibilities clearly, and making the hugely difficult steps to be better both to -and by- yourself (and by proxy others). It is something to be immensely proud of, and hopefully you allow its strength to absolutely minimize any lingering shame you still have in your system.

 

[spurspinter1]

Thanks. Yeah, it's definitely a process you can't just skip through.


Yeah, I was completely out of my mind quite literally last summer, so while I have had to take responsibility for the hurt and distress I caused others while in that state, which I've done as far as I could (one person reported me to the police, so I can't even apoligize to her, but I've just had to accept that), I also have to recognize that I never willfully entered into that state, and none of the things I said to other people are things I would've said to them in my normal state. It's a process though, I still have days where I'm extremely ashamed of what I've said. I just couldn't properly cope with my ex wife having cheated on me and lied to my face for at least 10 years, and everything else she did the last year we were together - and while it's no excuse for my drug abuse, it's somewhat of a mitigating factor. I ended up doing so much drugs to take the edge of a reality I simply didn't know how to deal with / live with. It just blindsided me beyond my wits. But as you say, I'd also like to think about it as a reference for a place I don't want to go back to, while trying to not bury myself in the shame of having been there.
@Daisuk You sound like a really nice fella, turning your life around.


Thanks, mate! that's a little something to take from it all, I guess!

Steff has put it better than I would have but the key is that you're approaching it head on, which is huge.

I do find the balance between reflecting openly and getting stuck in negative self talk for bygones you can't change an interesting point. It's a skill, to not get stuck beating yourself up over things that could've been done differently but to take the learning points to approach similar situations in a better way in the future. It takes time to process it all because life gets in the way and can be a bit full on, it's not something to rush given everything you've been through.

 

[Daisuk]

Steff has put it better than I would have but the key is that you're approaching it head on, which is huge.

I do find the balance between reflecting openly and getting stuck in negative self talk for bygones you can't change an interesting point. It's a skill, to not get stuck beating yourself up over things that could've been done differently but to take the learning points to approach similar situations in a better way in the future. It takes time to process it all because life gets in the way and can be a bit full on, it's not something to rush given everything you've been through.

Definitely. I'm still working on it. Some days are worse/better than others. Strangely, I've come to a place of acceptance for a lot of things more or less (well, still struggling with the one who reported me to the police, i have to admit) - our relationship was tainted from the start, I just wasn't privy to it, so it was a timebomb waiting to go off - and I guess better now than in another five or ten years down the line (though i would've massively prefered to have gotten to know about her infidilety when it happened all the way back in 2013 of course). So I am where I am, feels like some sort of ground zero - I have next to nothing, but I'm determined to climb up for myself and for my son, I just have to, although the pain of a life turned completely on its head is still very real. I'll be back eventually!

 

[Daisuk]

I've finally gotten the bipolar diagnosis today, so will start with lithium tomorrow. Glad to finally be starting. Been waiting for months. Really hope it works. Being constantly depressed bricktalking yourself in the head is not a way to live. Fingers crossed.

 

[Danishfurniturelover]

I've finally gotten the bipolar diagnosis today, so will start with lithium tomorrow. Glad to finally be starting. Been waiting for months. Really hope it works. Being constantly depressed bricktalking yourself in the head is not a way to live. Fingers crossed.

Good luck mate.

 

[Danishfurniturelover]

I've finally gotten the bipolar diagnosis today, so will start with lithium tomorrow. Glad to finally be starting. Been waiting for months. Really hope it works. Being constantly depressed bricktalking yourself in the head is not a way to live. Fingers crossed.

How is it going fella?

Hope your doing well.

 

[Daisuk]

How is it going fella?

Hope your doing well.

Hey, mate, it's actually going pretty okay! I still dislike myself deeply and feel anxious and paranoid as fudge around most people, with a sense of not really belonging, never being good enough, but these are mostly my thoughts. The meds seem to have separated the feelings from the thoughts a bit, so even though my brain still hates me, I'm somehow still somewhat OK with that as long as I don't feel like brick. Sounds weird, but it works for now. I also binge watch a lot of near death experience videos and am convinced that this life is just a sort of illusion and we'll only see it when we die. So that's comforting.

How are you doing?

 

[Danishfurniturelover]

Hey, mate, it's actually going pretty okay! I still dislike myself deeply and feel anxious and paranoid as fudge around most people, with a sense of not really belonging, never being good enough, but these are mostly my thoughts. The meds seem to have separated the feelings from the thoughts a bit, so even though my brain still hates me, I'm somehow still somewhat OK with that as long as I don't feel like brick. Sounds weird, but it works for now. I also binge watch a lot of near death experience videos and am convinced that this life is just a sort of illusion and we'll only see it when we die. So that's comforting.

How are you doing?

I'm doing well. Got China again in April for more stem cell treatment so I'm in the phase of super focused eating and exercise to get myself as strong as possible.

Been talking it through with my therapist, I'm nervous ever after the 2020 one when I ended up in a coma. I deal better with my anxiety these days it is about being aware of it and those feelings and not let it manifest in a negative way.

 

[Daisuk]

I'm doing well. Got China again in April for more stem cell treatment so I'm in the phase of super focused eating and exercise to get myself as strong as possible.

Been talking it through with my therapist, I'm nervous ever after the 2020 one when I ended up in a coma. I deal better with my anxiety these days it is about being aware of it and those feelings and not let it manifest in a negative way.

That's nice to hear! And the exercise is going well? Exercise and no alcohol have done wonders for me as well. Have you had the chance to take China in while there or is there only time for therapy? Good to hear about the anxiety - you don't get any meds for it? Better to handle it without, I suppose.

 

[LutonSpurs]

Self loathing that one is unaware of is very very common. firstly it is a sign you are not a narcissist. However it is unhealthy. It is not something that can be easily addressed without a really good shrink in my experience and even then you have to be open and honest with yourself. It takes courage but it can be done. Meds help lads. You do therapy and meds and you are more likely to find peace. Each in isolation is still brilliant but it is so much better to do both.

 

[Danishfurniturelover]

That's nice to hear! And the exercise is going well? Exercise and no alcohol have done wonders for me as well. Have you had the chance to take China in while there or is there only time for therapy? Good to hear about the anxiety - you don't get any meds for it? Better to handle it without, I suppose.

I was on pregablin for a little bit but otherwise no.

Not got to see much of China actually. First time was the strangest experience of my life what with the pandemic and all.

 

[Daisuk]

I was on pregablin for a little bit but otherwise no.

Not got to see much of China actually. First time was the strangest experience of my life what with the pandemic and all.

Nice. I have this idea that I would like to not take medicines, but don't want to become manic again. Hope the second round goes well for you! Did the first round of stemcell treatment work well?

 

[Daisuk]

Self loathing that one is unaware of is very very common. firstly it is a sign you are not a narcissist. However it is unhealthy. It is not something that can be easily addressed without a really good shrink in my experience and even then you have to be open and honest with yourself. It takes courage but it can be done. Meds help lads. You do therapy and meds and you are more likely to find peace. Each in isolation is still brilliant but it is so much better to do both.

Thanks mate. I've tried various therapists over the years, but just haven't found a therapist or a method that really works. My last one was a really nice guy, but just kept saying stuff like "be kinder to yourself" and "do something funny" and other banalities. Spent almost a year with him and didn't really get anywhere with it.

 

[Danishfurniturelover]

Nice. I have this idea that I would like to not take medicines, but don't want to become manic again. Hope the second round goes well for you! Did the first round of stemcell treatment work well?

I would always ask a doctor first about the meds. Funny enough was having a conversation today with my mate about micro dosing in all areas of medicine.

His wife is micro dosing on mounjarno after losing weight she now wants to stabilise.

It is an interesting area of medicine and micro dosing. I'm on so many vitamins its ridiculous haha.

This is actually my third round of treatment. The gaps between treatments were meant to be 3 years, but I'm off for the third lot after just 18 months. Though according to my specialist I'm pretty much at the same level as when first diagnosed. It is tiring and expensive (thank GHod for my rollblock crypto)

I'm not embarrassed to go over my suicide incident of two summers ago and it is with that in mind that I pay more heed to mental health, for me my physical health has a huge impact on mental health.

What I would say is if you do come off meds put in a good system around you to see early warning signs that your having any issues and be prepared to listen to those around you if they say your slipping. But obviously get medical advice from a professional before doing anything.

Remember the are lots of us out there that understand vulnerability and don't see it as a burden or weakness. I'm not always around but if you need me PM or post in here and I will try and get back to you.

 

[Danishfurniturelover]

Thanks mate. I've tried various therapists over the years, but just haven't found a therapist or a method that really works. My last one was a really nice guy, but just kept saying stuff like "be kinder to yourself" and "do something funny" and other banalities. Spent almost a year with him and didn't really get anywhere with it.

I found those type of therapists more harm then good.

One who did CBT therapy which I concluded was basically don't think about bad things or the things that bother you. Was a massive waste of time.

My answer is to keep busy doing stuff.

Might sound odd and I never thought I would be that guy. But I got into doing jigsaws, was in the conservatory this afternoon for a couple of hours. It is calming yet you have to concentrate. Cheap as chips from charity shops. A few in my parkinson's support group do it, you would it would be the worst thing for us but we love it. Got our walk on Thursday from Brighton marina to Rottingdean and back. The are lots of cheap things we can do.

 

[Daisuk]

I would always ask a doctor first about the meds. Funny enough was having a conversation today with my mate about micro dosing in all areas of medicine.

His wife is micro dosing on mounjarno after losing weight she now wants to stabilise.

It is an interesting area of medicine and micro dosing. I'm on so many vitamins its ridiculous haha.

This is actually my third round of treatment. The gaps between treatments were meant to be 3 years, but I'm off for the third lot after just 18 months. Though according to my specialist I'm pretty much at the same level as when first diagnosed. It is tiring and expensive (thank GHod for my rollblock crypto)

I'm not embarrassed to go over my suicide incident of two summers ago and it is with that in mind that I pay more heed to mental health, for me my physical health has a huge impact on mental health.

What I would say is if you do come off meds put in a good system around you to see early warning signs that your having any issues and be prepared to listen to those around you if they say your slipping. But obviously get medical advice from a professional before doing anything.

Remember the are lots of us out there that understand vulnerability and don't see it as a burden or weakness. I'm not always around but if you need me PM or post in here and I will try and get back to you.

fudge. Don't you get any financial help from health care to do the stemcell work? I suppose not. I remember well that you shared that with us, I'm so glad you did, and what courage, man! brick. Now, that takes balls, in my opinion. Risking being vulnerable, especially as a man. So many people at my job mocking people that need psychiatric help in these subtle jokey ways, being bipolar is apparently a kind of pathetic joke you fake, I always want to say something, but am already the weird guy at work, so don't want to stick my neck out too much and have to tell my own story.

Physical health means a lot indeed! I work out as many days as I can, core muscles and cardio. Does the work! I don't think I will quit the meds. They have some side effects, but none of them are too bad yet. Thanks a lot for the support! And likewise, if you need someone to vent or talk to, I'm always available!

 

[Daisuk]

I found those type of therapists more harm then good.

One who did CBT therapy which I concluded was basically don't think about bad things or the things that bother you. Was a massive waste of time.

My answer is to keep busy doing stuff.

Might sound odd and I never thought I would be that guy. But I got into doing jigsaws, was in the conservatory this afternoon for a couple of hours. It is calming yet you have to concentrate. Cheap as chips from charity shops. A few in my parkinson's support group do it, you would it would be the worst thing for us but we love it. Got our walk on Thursday from Brighton marina to Rottingdean and back. The are lots of cheap things we can do.

CBT is actually one of the methods I've gotten something out of (for as long as it lasted, anyway), but it's just way too expensive over here.

Strongly agree regarding doing stuff, especially with your hands! I make music on this massive machine I've assembled over the years, which is extremely therapeutic, but ironically, I haven't been able to get back into it since coming out of the ward, like I'm afraid of it not being therapeutic this time around or something, just another mental block. I started playing this card game recently though, which is excellent. Jigsaws is not a bad idea! I can see that working. Building lego works as well, following instructions, but sets are so damn expensive. Love walking, do it as often as I can!