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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

galeforce said:
Brian Johnstone (iirc),

"The batsman's Holding, the bowler's Willey"
Click to expand...

The best ever and what made it worse was the Commentry box collapsing with laughter for ages, brilliant.

Another one was Johnston was renowned for his on-air schoolboy humour and puns. In one incident during a Test match at the Oval in 1991, Jonathan Agnew suggested that when Ian Botham was out hit wicket, trying to hurdle the stumps, it was because he had failed to "get his leg over"
 
there was a good one along the lines of

"with his lovely soft hands, he tosses it off"

can't remember who though
 
Griffiths is snookered on the brown, which, for those of you watching in black and white, is the ball directly behind the pink. Ted Lowe
 
inkpenspur said:
*Slips of the Tongue*

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:

'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
Click to expand...

Just finished listening to Tony Robinson's autobiography on audiobook. He talks about the Time Team Live episode and claims Carenza, who apparently has a bit of a dirty mind, knew exactly what she was saying to see if she could get away with it...
 
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. Eventually they are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.

St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"...
 
A little five year old girl was usually driven to school in the mornings by her grandad, but one day he had a bad cold so her grandmother took her. That night the little girl told her parents that the drive to school with Granny was very different. 'What made it different?' asked her parents. 'Well' she replied, 'Granny and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, foreign prick or clown shoe on the whole journey'.
 
inkpenspur said:
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. Eventually they are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Mary, have you ever had any contact with a penis?

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.

St. Peter says, "Well, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says, "Then dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle with that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her arse in it"...
Click to expand...

Tremendous!!!!!!!!!
 
Conversation between two northerners:
- Clive, if I shag your wife, are we then related?
- No, we're even.
 
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"Daddy?" says the son, "What's the difference between a pussy and a clam?"
The dad lifts the duvet on his sleeping wife, and points whispering "Well, that there is a pussy".
"Oh", says the boy, "can I touch it?“
“No!", says dad, "you'll wake the clam up!"
 
FROM THE DEAR MR LEVY BLOG COMMENTS SECTION

Shelfside Pete • 3 days ago


A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a big football fan and supports Liverpool.
She asks the class to raise their hands if they, too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan miss," she replies.
The teacher still shocked asks: "Well, if your not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a Tottenham fan, and proud of it," miss
The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, how come you're a Spurs fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from Tottenham and are Spurs fans, so I'm a Spurs fan too!"
"Still, says the teacher, annoyed, "that's" no reason for you to be a Spurs fan as well, You don't have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a car thief,
Would you be like them then?"
"No smiles Mary, "I" be a Feking Liverpool fan
 
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