Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

[Roland Beurre]

Griffiths is snookered on the brown, which, for those of you watching in black and white, is the ball directly behind the pink. Ted Lowe

Another Ted Lowe classic (I think), about Fred Davis, who was still a top snooker player in his seventies.

"Fred's too old to get his leg over these days so he uses his left hand instead".

 

[mjc23]

10 years to the day since I married my best friend. Fair to say the wife is still pretty angry but me and Dave were pretty drunk at the time and thought it would be a good laugh.

 

[mjc23]

Ten years ago today, I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me. All three said “no”.

 

[spitshine]

Sad news about John McCririck..
Funeral service will leave his house at 10/1
Followed by a private burial at 5/2
Family invite you back to their local at 5/4
Bring a box of tissues it will be heavy going

 

[mjc23]

My wife bought a new bra yesterday. It looks nice but it's really hard to unhook.
I'm not even sure why I tried it on now.

 

[Kandi1977]

As a plane is about to crash, a woman jumps up and annonces;
- if I'm about to die, I want to die feeling like a woman!
She removes all of her clothes and says:
- is there anyone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?
A man stands up and rips off his shirt
- Here! Iron this!

 

[scaramanga]

What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?


Found in your cell, unresponsive

(shamelessly stolen from Popbitch)

 

[inkpenspur]

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

Having a lentil on your face doesn't cost 200 quid.

 

[Kandi1977]

A man and a woman is having sex when the woman's phone rings.
She answers the phone, and after a short conversation, she just says "OK" and hangs up.
- Who was that? , says the man
- It was my husband. He said he'll come home late, because he's playing poker with you.

 

[Lemonade Money]

 

[Baleforce]

From my daughter,

Did you hear about the man who got his left side cut off?


He’s alright now.

 

[Lemonade Money]

 

[Kandi1977]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walked into a bar

Those were the days....

 

[monkeybarry]

A priest, a rabbit and imam walk into a pub.
The rabbit says, "I may have been a typo"

 

[Kandi1977]

True story this, works better in my native language, but you'll get the point.

I was in the grocery store, and the bloke in front of me picks up the phone and calls what I believe was his wife:
- Hi darling! Was it milk I was supposed to buy?
- No, for gods sake! Nesquick! Buy Nesquick!
- Yeah right! I always mix up those two.

 

[Bullet]

True story this, works better in my native language, but you'll get the point.

I was in the grocery store, and the bloke in front of me picks up the phone and calls what I believe was his wife:
- Hi darling! Was it milk I was supposed to buy?
- No, for gods sake! Nesquick! Buy Nesquick!
- Yeah right! I always mix up those two.

Explain

 

[thfcsteff]

Explain

Milk + Nesquick...you put the powder into the milk and mix it.

 

[Bullet]

Milk + Nesquick...you put the powder into the milk and mix it.

Oh. Disappoint.

 

[Kandi1977]

- Darling, say something that makes me feel like a woman!

- Ehh... You can't parallel park.

 

[JerusalemMan]

- Darling, say something that makes me feel like a woman!

- Ehh... You can't parallel park.

True story.