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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

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galeforce said:
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What’s the inverse of damning with faint praise?

The joke doesn’t work because there’s no particular reason to link Muslims with incest. Poor jokes have even less excuse to be offensive, and labelling a joke thread as “non PC” (a clown shoe’s term in any context other than end-user devices) doesn’t make random islamophobia justifiable.

So, not sure that gif hits the mark.
 
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ShipOfGoldblum said:
What’s the inverse of damning with faint praise?

The joke doesn’t work because there’s no particular reason to link Muslims with incest. Poor jokes have even less excuse to be offensive, and labelling a joke thread as “non PC” (a clown shoe’s term in any context other than end-user devices) doesn’t make random islamophobia justifiable.

So, not sure that gif hits the mark.
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I want to be like the rest of the i am offended phalanx (which seems to be growing by the day) Thankfully i have better things to do then feel sorry for myself and hysterical about what others say.
 
I was offered sex today, with a 16 year old girl, in exchange I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner to my friends. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with strong will power. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available scented lemon or vanilla.
 
Pochettno flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later spurs are 4-0 down to Liverpool with only 20 minutes left, poch gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for
Spurs . The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted
and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his
first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0
down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media,
they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got
shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped
and beaten up and now your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all
while you were having such great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry..'

'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,

'It's your fudging fault we came to Tottenham in the first place!
 
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'
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So I had to take a plane flight the morning after a fair bit of revelry. I was feeling woozy as I boarded. When I went to take my window seat, the fella sitting in the aisle seat was sound asleep. I squeezed past and took my seat. Before takeoff, my stomach began to act up something fierce. It was queasy and lurching all through taxiing and take off and before the seat belt sign went off, I knew I was about to be sick.

I tried to get up and make it to the toilet, but the plane hit a bit of rough air and that was it, I lost my lunch all over the front of my sleeping neighbour. He never stirred a bit.

I sat back in my seat and quickly cleaned up with a couple of hankies before taking a drink of water. I was feeling better immediately. Suddenly, sleeping beauty stirred and woke up, looking aghast at the puke on the front of his shirt and pants.

"Are you feeling a bit better now?" I asked him.
 
The husband says to his wife, "You have three choices: you can come hunting with me, you can let me fudge you in the arse or you can give me a blowjob."The wife, not being interested in hunting and not feeling in the mood to be anally probed, opts for the blowjob.While she is down there, doing her best effort, she looks up at her husband and says, "Honey, your dingdong tastes like brick!"To which the husband replies, "Yeah, the dog didn"t want to go hunting either."

A man is sitting at home feeling horny as hell. He digs around the house for loose change and comes up with $10, and heads for the local brothel. He approaches the madam and says, "I only have $10 but I am so horny! Please, please I just want to fudge something!" The madam says, "OK, If you"re that desperate I"ll let you fudge a goat." The madam instructs him to go to the first door on the right. Once there, he sees a goat tied to the corner and a large mirror on the wall. He proceeds to go behind the animal and fudges away like crazy. He finishes and leaves. A couple of days later, he feels horny again, digs around and finds $5. He goes back to the brothel and tells the madam he only has $5 but he"s really horny and wants to fudge the goat again. She tells him he fudged the goat so hard he killed it. Instead, she could let him watch two women mud wrestle for $5. The guy agrees and she instructs him to go to the second door on the right. He walks into a dark room and sees a few guys sitting in front of a large window watching two women mud wrestle. He sits down and says to one of the other guys, "This is great." The other guy says, "Yeah, but you should have been here a couple of days ago when they had some guy fudging a goat!"

Not my jokes but they made me giggle so thought I would share.
 
The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn"t want to be rude, so I replied "Not too bad thanks."After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?"Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick brick... How about yourself?"The next thing I heard him say was "sorry mate, I"ll have to call you back. I"ve got some clam in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."
 
Danishfurniturelover said:
The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.A voice came from the cubicle next to me: "Hello mate, how are you doing?"Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn"t want to be rude, so I replied "Not too bad thanks."After a short pause, I heard the voice again "So, what are you up to?"Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, "Just having a quick brick... How about yourself?"The next thing I heard him say was "sorry mate, I"ll have to call you back. I"ve got some clam in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say."
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This is the jokes thread. Why are you telling stories from your everyday life here?
 
*Slips of the Tongue*



12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on TV and Radio


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator – 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'


2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –

'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'


3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator – 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'


4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 – 'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'


5. US PGA Commentator –

'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........

Oh my GHod !! What have I just said??'


6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:

'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'


7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!


8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:

'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'


9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:

'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '


10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:

'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'


11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:

'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'


12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:

'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
 
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