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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

How did Dolly Parton know she was about to give birth?
She had clamryactions. (damn filter... Cwuntryactions) [emoji53]
 
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
 
Ordered some chinese food last night
When it got delivered the Chinese man said £20
I said, "Do you know what Katie Price's son is called?"
He said, "Harfey Pwice"
I said, "cheers Ting Tong here's a tenner now fudge off"
 
The wife has never had an orgasm before, and the doctor suggested that she could be overheating during sex. So I decided to get my mate Pete round, to waft a towel on us while we're in the act.
After 20 minutes of wafting, still no orgasm so Pete suggested a swap, "I'll shag her and you waft the towel."
Well, within seconds my wife was screaming with pleasure and she finally had her orgasm. I turned to Pete and I said, "and that my son, is how you waft a fudging towel."
 
LemonadeMoney said:
The wife has never had an orgasm before, and the doctor suggested that she could be overheating during sex. So I decided to get my mate Pete round, to waft a towel on us while we're in the act.
After 20 minutes of wafting, still no orgasm so Pete suggested a swap, "I'll shag her and you waft the towel."
Well, within seconds my wife was screaming with pleasure and she finally had her orgasm. I turned to Pete and I said, "and that my son, is how you waft a fudging towel."
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More jokes. We need more like this. Please.
 
Three Irishmen in a bar.
Paddy says "My local's better than this, you buy two drinks, and the third is free."
Mick says "Well in mine, you buy one and you get one free."
Murphy says "That's nothing, in my local, you buy the first drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th are free. Then you go out the back and get a shag."
"Wow!" say the other two, "Has this actually happened to you?"
"No" says Murphy, "But it happened to my sister."
 
LemonadeMoney said:
Three Irishmen in a bar.
Paddy says "My local's better than this, you buy two drinks, and the third is free."
Mick says "Well in mine, you buy one and you get one free."
Murphy says "That's nothing, in my local, you buy the first drink, then the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th and 7th are free. Then you go out the back and get a shag."
"Wow!" say the other two, "Has this actually happened to you?"
"No" says Murphy, "But it happened to my sister."
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I look to you as the force and spirit here these days in this thread. Please keep ‘em coming!


Sitting on my porcelain throne using glory-glory.co.uk mobile app
 
Paddy's working up high on a building site, when part of the scaffolding breaks loose and slices his ear clean off.
"Don't worry", says Murphy, "We'll go down and have a look for it."
They both climb down and start to look.
Murphy sees an ear and picks it up. "Is this your ear?"
"No", says Paddy, "Mine had a pencil behind it."
 
A man wakes up one morning and is surprised to find a gorilla on his roof. He looks in the Yellow Pages and sure enough, there's an advert for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean looking pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." As he says this, he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
 
Bullet said:
That's the best joke ever written.
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I belive The Aristocrats I don't know how to use the like button. The Aristocrats. Preferably presented by none other than Full House' very own Bob Saget.

Sent fra min SM-G960F via Tapatalk
 
.....This may be of interest to someone:
A friend of mine has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the England v Belgium game Thur 28th June. He paid £500 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at Portsmouth Road Registry Office, at 4pm. Her name is Nicola -- shes 28, she's 5'4", quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.
 
mjc23 said:
.....This may be of interest to someone:
A friend of mine has 2 tickets in a corporate box for the England v Belgium game Thur 28th June. He paid £500 each including flights but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding! If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at Portsmouth Road Registry Office, at 4pm. Her name is Nicola -- shes 28, she's 5'4", quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.
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I'm interested, but does she take it up the ass?
 
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