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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

Jack and his wife Diane went to the local country fair every year, and every year Jack would say “Diane, I'd like to ride in that helicopter”

Diane always replied, “I know Jack, but that helicopter ride is ninety quid and ninety quid is ninety quid”

One year Diane and Jack went to the fair, and Jack said “Diane, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”

To this, Diane replied “Jack that helicopter ride is ninety quid, and ninety quid is ninety quid.”

The pilot overheard the couple and said “Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you but if you say one word, it's ninety quid!”

Jack and Diane agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Jack and said “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out but you didn't. I'm impressed!”

Jack replied “Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Diane fell out but you know,..... ninety quid is ninety quid!”
 
My mate tried some of those Walkers new mystery flavour crisps last night, and he swore they tasted like his wife's fanny.
At first, he thought it was his imagination...........but everyone in the pub agreed.


Two wives go out for girls night. Both got drunk, started walking home, and had to pee. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her underwear, the other grabbed a wreath off of a grave.
The next morning one husband called the other and said, "no more girls night out! my wife came back with no panties." the other husband said, "you think that's bad? mine came back with a card in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station- we'll never forget you."


I've put my Rottweiler on a Vegan diet.
So far he has eaten five of them.
 
Gary Delaney is very funny, his jokes are funnier when you know who his missus is, as are hers, it’s both brilliant and cute that they feature so heavily in each other’s acts unnamed.
 
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable - an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and asked the wife to lie back on his couch. He embraced and kissed her long and passionately, raised her skirt and performed cunnilingus for ten minutes as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I play golf."
 
LemonadeMoney said:
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable - an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and asked the wife to lie back on his couch. He embraced and kissed her long and passionately, raised her skirt and performed cunnilingus for ten minutes as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays I play golf."
Click to expand...

he's back with a blinder! Thank you Sir!
 
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