Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

[yiddo37]

Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a pub.
Barman says, "Is this some kind of Joke?"

 

[yiddo37]

2 out of work Irish lumberjacks see a notice at the job centre.
'Tree fellers needed, start immediately.'
Paddy turns to Mick and says, "Just our luck, shame there's only 2 of us!"

 

[Baleforce]

A horse walks into a bar, the barman says, why the long face?

 

[Baleforce]

I called Heathrow and asked how long the flight to New York was, the chap on the line said, "just a minute sir".

Thats amazing.

 

[Baleforce]

Sorted out my car insurance, I'm covered against theft, they asked if I wanted cover for fire too, but I'm not stupid, what kind of idiot would steal a burning car?

 

[Lemonade Money]

"Johnny, what do you want to be when you grow up?" asks his teacher.
"Well Miss, I want to be a billionaire, live in a multi-million pound dream home, drive flash sports cars, go on luxury holidays, go to a millionaires nightclub, spray champagne around, get myself one of those sexy bitches..."
"OKAY JOHNNY, that's quite enough from you, Suzy, what do you want to be?"
"Johnny's bitch Miss".

 

[thfcsteff]

@LemonadeMoney thank you for your repeatedly excellent contributions to this thread! PLEASE keep them coming. My word I laugh!!!

 

[Spoonman]

I was bored this weekend so the wife says "Why don't you make a bird table".

Now she's kicking off cos I put her in fifth place.

 

[NoLimits01]

I was bored this weekend so the wife says "Why don't you make a bird table".

Now she's kicking off cos I put her in fifth place.

A bit harsh, we all had her in 4th

 

[Glenda's Legs]

I was bored this weekend so the wife says "Why don't you make a bird table".

Now she's kicking off cos I put her in fifth place.

I probably shouldn’t have, but that did make me laugh.

 

[Baleforce]

I was bored this weekend so the wife says "Why don't you make a bird table".

Now she's kicking off cos I put her in fifth place.

that's a cracker, stealing that

 

[scaramanga]

I used to build sandcastles with my sister.




But my mum took the urn away

 

[scaramanga]

What's the opposite of Christopher Walken?




Christopher Reeve.

 

[scaramanga]

What's the difference between Jesus and the dead baby in the Pope's basement?



Jesus died a virgin.



Catholic jokes are just like their victims - they never get old.

 

[monkeybarry]

A bit harsh, we all had her in 4th

She definitely came second in mine

 

[Lemonade Money]

She definitely came second in mine

Are you suggesting that you came first, then Mr Floppy rocked her world?

 

[monkeybarry]

Are you suggesting that you came first, then Mr Floppy rocked her world?

I'm not sure. I changed the batteries, took a shower and left.

 

[markysimmo]

https://twitter.com/x/status/1662064552794619904

 

[Kandi1977]

 

[Trixster]

https://twitter.com/x/status/1662064552794619904

What a well spoken Granny, how I wish my kid had one like that..