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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

My youngest has just come downstairs from watching TV in his bedroom
He said "Dad, what's love juice?"
After nearly choking on my beer, I though I'd better be honest and said "son, when a women gets sexually excited, her vagina gets wet, and that's love juice. He just stared back at me in total bewilderment
I said "Anyway, what the fudge are you watching up there?”
"Wimbledon"
 
Two lesbians in the shower.
One says to the other, "Where's the soap?"
The other replies, "Yeah it does don't it?!"
 
LemonadeMoney said:
My youngest has just come downstairs from watching TV in his bedroom
He said "Dad, what's love juice?"
After nearly choking on my beer, I though I'd better be honest and said "son, when a women gets sexually excited, her vagina gets wet, and that's love juice. He just stared back at me in total bewilderment
I said "Anyway, what the fudge are you watching up there?”
"Wimbledon"
Click to expand...

He’s back with his ‘A’ game!!!!
 
I took my bicycle and went down to the liquor store today and bought a bottle of whisky. I strapped it on the back of the bike, and started riding home. But after only a few seconds, I stopped. I came to realise that if I fall, the bottle would break, an that would be a real shame. So I decided to drink up the whisky before riding back home, to avoid it possibly being spilled if I should fall.

It turned out to be a great decision, as while cycling home, I fell 17 times.
 
My wife hasn't been very well recently and had to go for blood tests...

The doctor phoned up earlier when she was asleep and told me that she either had dementia or aids...

'What do I do'?, I said... He said ' take her out in the car and drop her 5 mlles from home......If she finds her own way back, don't shag her'....
 
Dublin man sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the Garda.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world drug lords, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Dublin airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the Kerryman how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid", the owner says.
“A tenner!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying clam. He's never been out of the garden."
 
A man is on a street corner in Moscow yelling “The president is an idiot “

Police surround him and handcuff him. They say, “It is illegal to insult President Putin.”

He says, “You don’t understand I mean the Ukrainian president, Zelensky, he is the one I was insulting. “

The police captain says, “You can’t fool us, everyone knows who the idiot is.”
 
LemonadeMoney said:
Dublin man sees a sign outside a Kerry farmhouse:
'Talking Dog For Sale'....He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story!"
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I joined the Garda.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world drug lords, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years, But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Dublin airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired!"
The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the Kerryman how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid", the owner says.
“A tenner!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"
"Because he's a lying clam. He's never been out of the garden."
Click to expand...

I heard it before but love it so thanks for posting again
 
A scouser was sitting down in a pub.
A gay man sat down next to him and said
"Would you like a blow job"?
The scouser stood up stuck a chair over his head.
Glassed him in the neck
The landlord came rushing round the bar and said
"What the fudge happened there"?
The scouser said
"Arr dunno."
"Something about a job"
 
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