Roland Beurre
Tony Parks
It is several days until my next session at Pedants Anonymous and I admit I am struggling to cope.
Reading football message boards only makes it worse.
I know it is rude, petty and trivial of me to correct other people’s grammar, especially when my own grammar is iffy at best, so I try not to do it but on the other hand I do make Dr Sheldon Cooper of “The Big Bang Theory” look well-adjusted sometimes, so I need an outlet.
I mean, I am usually a peaceable man, but when I hear a person pronounce the letter H as “haitch” then I reach for my revolver; if they pronounce it “haitch” while also dropping their aitches on words such as “happy”, “horrible” and “Higgs Boson” (have not made my mind up yet about the Oxford comma), then the revolver is too good for them and I start whetting my machete.
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aitch
— noun
the letter h or the sound represented by it: “he drops his aitches”
---
Bearing in mind all three of my children and my wife mispronounce the letter H, you can imagine the strain I am under (I have made my mind up about ending a sentence with a preposition), so I would be grateful if all you Glory-Glory types could try to avoid (not “try and avoid”) the following howlers:
Definately: Who is Natalie, and why is she being deafened? If you spell “definitely” as “definately”, do you therefore spell “definition” as “defination”?
should have: Of you stopped to think what this means? Well, of you? Of course you of not. I think you mean “should have” or “should’ve”.
Utilise: Using “utilise” when you mean “use” does not make you sound more intelligent, any more than using “approximately” when you mean “about” does. Some clever clogs on the internet explained the difference between “use” and “utilise” and although his definition (defination?) may be misguided, it makes sense to me. What he said was that “utilise” means to use an object for something other than its intended purpose; thus you can utilise a pogo stick as an impromptu cricket bat, but you can’t utilise a pogo stick as a pogo stick. Likewise, you can’t utilise a midfielder as a midfielder.
Advice/advise, practice/practise, licence/license: If using the noun, spell with a C; if using the verb, spell with an S. Americans and those who use American English are excused on this point except when using the words advice or advise, though I have never seen anyone get the two confused.
Offence/defence, offense/defense: Offence/defence is the British English spelling. We used to call it attack and defence when I was young.
Less/fewer: Less relates to singular items and fewer to two or more. You can eat less cake or fewer cakes. You can’t eat less cakes; well, I can’t…
Can I get a skinny latte?: Only if you work at the coffee shop in question, otherwise you have to rely on someone else to get it for you, unless it is a self-service establishment, in which case why are you asking the question?
I am good: I am not sure if this response to the question “How are you?” is acceptable or not. I always tend to ask what they are good at when I receive this response. They usually demonstrate they are quite good at punching me on the nose.
Bridget Jones’s Diary: Not Bridget Jones’ Diary. If in doubt, ask your boss’s opinion – or would you say “I will ask my boss’ opinion”? When using a possessive apostrophe, add an S after the apostrophe (“When it comes to choosing between Keith Richards and Cliff Richard, I am in Richards’s camp”). If, however, the word is plural, then you do not add an S after the apostrophe (e.g. “The defenders’ positions at corners were shocking”).
I am glad to have got all of that off my chest. I realise I have a sickness. I don’t even mind when people point out errors in my own grammar as it just gives me another itch to scratch when reading other people’s stuff.
I will now get back to whetting my machete.
Reading football message boards only makes it worse.
I know it is rude, petty and trivial of me to correct other people’s grammar, especially when my own grammar is iffy at best, so I try not to do it but on the other hand I do make Dr Sheldon Cooper of “The Big Bang Theory” look well-adjusted sometimes, so I need an outlet.
I mean, I am usually a peaceable man, but when I hear a person pronounce the letter H as “haitch” then I reach for my revolver; if they pronounce it “haitch” while also dropping their aitches on words such as “happy”, “horrible” and “Higgs Boson” (have not made my mind up yet about the Oxford comma), then the revolver is too good for them and I start whetting my machete.
---
aitch
— noun
the letter h or the sound represented by it: “he drops his aitches”
---
Bearing in mind all three of my children and my wife mispronounce the letter H, you can imagine the strain I am under (I have made my mind up about ending a sentence with a preposition), so I would be grateful if all you Glory-Glory types could try to avoid (not “try and avoid”) the following howlers:
Definately: Who is Natalie, and why is she being deafened? If you spell “definitely” as “definately”, do you therefore spell “definition” as “defination”?
should have: Of you stopped to think what this means? Well, of you? Of course you of not. I think you mean “should have” or “should’ve”.
Utilise: Using “utilise” when you mean “use” does not make you sound more intelligent, any more than using “approximately” when you mean “about” does. Some clever clogs on the internet explained the difference between “use” and “utilise” and although his definition (defination?) may be misguided, it makes sense to me. What he said was that “utilise” means to use an object for something other than its intended purpose; thus you can utilise a pogo stick as an impromptu cricket bat, but you can’t utilise a pogo stick as a pogo stick. Likewise, you can’t utilise a midfielder as a midfielder.
Advice/advise, practice/practise, licence/license: If using the noun, spell with a C; if using the verb, spell with an S. Americans and those who use American English are excused on this point except when using the words advice or advise, though I have never seen anyone get the two confused.
Offence/defence, offense/defense: Offence/defence is the British English spelling. We used to call it attack and defence when I was young.
Less/fewer: Less relates to singular items and fewer to two or more. You can eat less cake or fewer cakes. You can’t eat less cakes; well, I can’t…
Can I get a skinny latte?: Only if you work at the coffee shop in question, otherwise you have to rely on someone else to get it for you, unless it is a self-service establishment, in which case why are you asking the question?
I am good: I am not sure if this response to the question “How are you?” is acceptable or not. I always tend to ask what they are good at when I receive this response. They usually demonstrate they are quite good at punching me on the nose.
Bridget Jones’s Diary: Not Bridget Jones’ Diary. If in doubt, ask your boss’s opinion – or would you say “I will ask my boss’ opinion”? When using a possessive apostrophe, add an S after the apostrophe (“When it comes to choosing between Keith Richards and Cliff Richard, I am in Richards’s camp”). If, however, the word is plural, then you do not add an S after the apostrophe (e.g. “The defenders’ positions at corners were shocking”).
I am glad to have got all of that off my chest. I realise I have a sickness. I don’t even mind when people point out errors in my own grammar as it just gives me another itch to scratch when reading other people’s stuff.
I will now get back to whetting my machete.
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