Is his name Mitchell by any chance?
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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)
- Thread starter Roy1983
- Start date
Superted
Jonathan Woodgate
Is his name Mitchell by any chance?
Mick. Close enough.
Last name is Fanny (or close enough again).
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night...
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"
The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The Man, "That would be my wife"
my lady's carrying our firstborn - he's 8, but just a lazy bastard...
I was watching the film, 'A Perfect Murder,' last night with my wife, and she told me she was getting scared.
"Is it the storyline?" I said.
"Not really," she replied. "Its you taking notes."
"Would you have sex with the lights on, or is that too kinky?" I asked my new girlfriend.
"No, that's not kinky at all," she replied.
"Great!" I said. "You stand there with your arms spread and I'll go and get the Christmas tree box."
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park".
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"
The officer, " Oh really........ and Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The Man, "That would be my wife"
my lady's carrying our firstborn - he's 8, but just a lazy bastard...
I was watching the film, 'A Perfect Murder,' last night with my wife, and she told me she was getting scared.
"Is it the storyline?" I said.
"Not really," she replied. "Its you taking notes."
"Would you have sex with the lights on, or is that too kinky?" I asked my new girlfriend.
"No, that's not kinky at all," she replied.
"Great!" I said. "You stand there with your arms spread and I'll go and get the Christmas tree box."
Just after my wife had given birth, I asked the doctor, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the car park".
Lemonade Money
Les Medley
I asked a girl if I could smell her pussy.
"No you certainly can't", she replied.
"Ah." I said. "Must be your feet then".
"No you certainly can't", she replied.
"Ah." I said. "Must be your feet then".
Crab.C.Nesbitt
Bobby Mimms
I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
I said to myself "I really need a new fudging boat."
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
I said to myself "I really need a new fudging boat."
Superted
Jonathan Woodgate
A Texan enters an Irish pub and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Ten minutes later the same man who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies "to the pub down the street to see if I could do it".
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Ten minutes later the same man who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies "to the pub down the street to see if I could do it".
inkpenspur
Allan Nielsen
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians.
It's called Trycoxagin.
It's called Trycoxagin.
Crab.C.Nesbitt
Bobby Mimms
My wife gets really annoyed when I use the word 'c unt.'
I suppose she's got a point, I really should make the effort to learn her mother' s name!
After nearly breaking my neck on a pair of bright pink roller skates on the stairs, I shouted at my son, "Are these yours?!"
He said, "Well, obviously they're not mine."
"Oh yeah, of course they aren't," I replied. Then I laughed at him in his little wheelchair.
My mate caught me sniffing his sister's knickers while w anking.
Lets just say it made her funeral the next day very awkward.
I was ramming this little girl up the arse the other day.
"Oi, any more of that and you're off the dodgems," shouted the fairground owner.
I suppose she's got a point, I really should make the effort to learn her mother' s name!
After nearly breaking my neck on a pair of bright pink roller skates on the stairs, I shouted at my son, "Are these yours?!"
He said, "Well, obviously they're not mine."
"Oh yeah, of course they aren't," I replied. Then I laughed at him in his little wheelchair.
My mate caught me sniffing his sister's knickers while w anking.
Lets just say it made her funeral the next day very awkward.
I was ramming this little girl up the arse the other day.
"Oi, any more of that and you're off the dodgems," shouted the fairground owner.
Lemonade Money
Les Medley
A married couple are in a packed shopping centre, and after a while the wife realises her husband has gone missing. Getting worried she phones his mobile.
"Where are you?", she asks.
"Do you remember when we first met, you fell in love with that diamond necklace in a jewellers, that I couldn't afford, and I said one day I'm going to buy that for you." he replied.
The wife choked up, started to cry and said "Yes I remember the shop".
"Well, I'm in the pub next door".
"Where are you?", she asks.
"Do you remember when we first met, you fell in love with that diamond necklace in a jewellers, that I couldn't afford, and I said one day I'm going to buy that for you." he replied.
The wife choked up, started to cry and said "Yes I remember the shop".
"Well, I'm in the pub next door".
glorygloryeze
Tom Huddlestone
Man Utd should replace Louis van Gaal with Tim Sherwood, says Paul Parker
By Nick Lustig
Last Updated: 16/02/16 5:28pm
Paul Parker believes Tim Sherwood rather than Jose Mourinho should replace Louis van Gaal as Manchester United manager until the end of the season.
Van Gaal's position has come under intense scrutiny in recent months, with widespread reports in the national press claiming Mourinho is set to land a three-year deal to replace the Dutchman at a salary of £15m-a-year.
Last Saturday's 2-1 defeat at relegation-threatened Sunderland left United six points behind Emirates Marketing Project in the fourth and final Champions League spot with 12 matches of the season remaining.
But Parker, who played for United between 1991 and 1996, is not convinced Mourinho has the right experience to help the team out of their current plight.
The former England defender believes ex-Aston Villa and Tottenham manager Sherwood is the man to provide United with the perfect short-term fix if they decide to part ways with Van Gaal before the end of the season.
Jose Mourinho has been touted as a potential successor to Louis van Gaal
"United went from bad to worse this weekend. They certainly don't look like a team about to surge back into form and make a run into the top four of the Premier League. But bringing in Jose Mourinho? That is absolutely not the answer," he wrote in his Eurosport column.
"So to suggest that he could walk into a crisis situation at United and turn it around is absurd. That's something he's never done in his career, and this really wouldn't be the time to start. He's lost a huge amount of respect in the game, and I suspect the players at United hate the idea of him taking over.
Mourinho and United
A timeline of events involving Mourinho, Van Gaal and Man Utd
"Frankly, given how unhappy the players are right now, they'd be better off bringing in Tim Sherwood between now and the end of the season: someone to soft soap the players, give them a bit of a cuddle, get them feeling good about themselves once again.
"Sadly, as we've seen with Tim, those sorts of managers don't work long term. And United need to start thinking about the long term as soon as possible, because if not they face the ultimate danger: turning into the new Liverpool."
Parker says United will not attract a big-name coach at this stage of the season
He added: "None of the other available big name managers currently out of work would fit the bill either. You could give someone like Fabio Capello a call, but he'd have all the same problems that Van Gaal has faced. He's too old school, he doesn't understand the modern game and how players need to be handled today.
"There are plenty of guys out there who do - Diego Simeone, say, or Mauricio Pochettino - but none of them are going to leave at this stage of the season. There is just nobody out there who could come in, lift the dressing room, and then go on to build a brighter future for United."
http://www.skysports.com/football/n...s-van-gaal-with-tim-sherwood-says-paul-parker
By Nick Lustig
Last Updated: 16/02/16 5:28pm
Paul Parker believes Tim Sherwood rather than Jose Mourinho should replace Louis van Gaal as Manchester United manager until the end of the season.
Van Gaal's position has come under intense scrutiny in recent months, with widespread reports in the national press claiming Mourinho is set to land a three-year deal to replace the Dutchman at a salary of £15m-a-year.
Last Saturday's 2-1 defeat at relegation-threatened Sunderland left United six points behind Emirates Marketing Project in the fourth and final Champions League spot with 12 matches of the season remaining.
But Parker, who played for United between 1991 and 1996, is not convinced Mourinho has the right experience to help the team out of their current plight.
The former England defender believes ex-Aston Villa and Tottenham manager Sherwood is the man to provide United with the perfect short-term fix if they decide to part ways with Van Gaal before the end of the season.
Jose Mourinho has been touted as a potential successor to Louis van Gaal
"United went from bad to worse this weekend. They certainly don't look like a team about to surge back into form and make a run into the top four of the Premier League. But bringing in Jose Mourinho? That is absolutely not the answer," he wrote in his Eurosport column.
"So to suggest that he could walk into a crisis situation at United and turn it around is absurd. That's something he's never done in his career, and this really wouldn't be the time to start. He's lost a huge amount of respect in the game, and I suspect the players at United hate the idea of him taking over.
Mourinho and United
A timeline of events involving Mourinho, Van Gaal and Man Utd
"Frankly, given how unhappy the players are right now, they'd be better off bringing in Tim Sherwood between now and the end of the season: someone to soft soap the players, give them a bit of a cuddle, get them feeling good about themselves once again.
"Sadly, as we've seen with Tim, those sorts of managers don't work long term. And United need to start thinking about the long term as soon as possible, because if not they face the ultimate danger: turning into the new Liverpool."
Parker says United will not attract a big-name coach at this stage of the season
He added: "None of the other available big name managers currently out of work would fit the bill either. You could give someone like Fabio Capello a call, but he'd have all the same problems that Van Gaal has faced. He's too old school, he doesn't understand the modern game and how players need to be handled today.
"There are plenty of guys out there who do - Diego Simeone, say, or Mauricio Pochettino - but none of them are going to leave at this stage of the season. There is just nobody out there who could come in, lift the dressing room, and then go on to build a brighter future for United."
http://www.skysports.com/football/n...s-van-gaal-with-tim-sherwood-says-paul-parker
Lemonade Money
Les Medley
Bloke walks into a pub with a crocodile under his arm. Landlord says "You can't come in here with that". Bloke says, "Hold on, you haven't seen my trick yet". Landlord says "It better be good or I'm kicking you out". Bloke puts the crocodile on a table, opens its mouth, and places his rooster on the crocs bottom jaw. He then smacks the crocodile as hard as he can on its head, the croc slowly lowers his top jaw and blows softly. Landlord says, "I can't believe you've just done that, you must be mad". "Not at all", says the bloke, "Would anyone else like a go for £50?" "Yes!" comes the reply from an old woman in the corner, "As long as you promise not to hit me as hard as you did that crocodile".
inkpenspur
Allan Nielsen
Dear Technical Support
24 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2006. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run.
Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge.
These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my BMWM3 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress
2017, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2017, it tends to delete all of your
Money before uninstalling itself.
24 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2006. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run.
Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge.
These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is. Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my BMWM3 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress
2017, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2017, it tends to delete all of your
Money before uninstalling itself.