Lemonade Money
Les Medley
What do you call the useless piece of flesh around a vagina?
A woman.
A woman.
-
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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)
- Thread starter Roy1983
- Start date
Lemonade Money
Les Medley
He's just started one in SN&V
glorygloryeze
Tom Huddlestone
:ross: :ross: :ross: =D>
inkpenspur
Allan Nielsen
inkpenspur
Allan Nielsen
According to Tetley, the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag... so every morning I slap her arse and say 'two sugars fatty'!
Superted
Jonathan Woodgate
You're going to hell.
A man walks into a brothel and throws five hundred bucks on the counter.
- I want a girl that just lays there.
The madam looks at him with surprise.
- For that much you can get the best girl we have!
- No thanks, the man replies, I'm not horny, just feeling a little homesick.
A doctor tells his patient he will need samples of his urine, semen and excrements.
- Here, take my underpants.
A man comes home to his wife, beaming with joy.
- Start packing, I've won the lottery, he says.
The wife replies: Should I pack for warm or cold weather?
- I don't give a brick, just be out of the house by the time the football starts.
A man walks into the bedroom with a glass of water and two aspirins.
His wife looks at him with surprise.
- But I don't have a headache.
- Aha!
I was going to make a gay joke, butt fudge it.
- I want a girl that just lays there.
The madam looks at him with surprise.
- For that much you can get the best girl we have!
- No thanks, the man replies, I'm not horny, just feeling a little homesick.
A doctor tells his patient he will need samples of his urine, semen and excrements.
- Here, take my underpants.
A man comes home to his wife, beaming with joy.
- Start packing, I've won the lottery, he says.
The wife replies: Should I pack for warm or cold weather?
- I don't give a brick, just be out of the house by the time the football starts.
A man walks into the bedroom with a glass of water and two aspirins.
His wife looks at him with surprise.
- But I don't have a headache.
- Aha!
I was going to make a gay joke, butt fudge it.
At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled...
"Would all the married men stand next to the one that has made their life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks: "Why the long face?" The horse does not respond because it is a horse, thus lacking cognitive capacity to speak or understand English. It is confused by its surroundings, bricks on the floor and promptly gallops out, knocking over a few tables in the process.
"Would all the married men stand next to the one that has made their life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks: "Why the long face?" The horse does not respond because it is a horse, thus lacking cognitive capacity to speak or understand English. It is confused by its surroundings, bricks on the floor and promptly gallops out, knocking over a few tables in the process.
inkpenspur
Allan Nielsen
Old man is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his
extensive holdings, and as he slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property ??!! .... The bastard had a paper round".
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been
confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
A man walks into a doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises," replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.
Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school, they’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise that you’ve got sugar diabetes?”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!
Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . . ..I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse!"
Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"
Woman goes to the doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".
Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel?" he asks.
"fudging lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"
An Irishmen wanting to become a priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer three questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the **** out of them!!"
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind son, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women, the prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
Three weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "But it shouldn't be long now though, her clothes arrived yesterday!!
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
"My daughter, Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his
extensive holdings, and as he slips away, the nurse says,
"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Sarah replies, "Property ??!! .... The bastard had a paper round".
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed,
is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy."
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't
find any.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been
confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire
in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.
A man walks into a doctor's office.
"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises," replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now.
Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school, they’re fascinating.”
Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise that you’ve got sugar diabetes?”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!
Irish newlyweds turn up at their hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist asks "Do you have reservations?"
Bride says "Well . . . . ..I'm a bit worried about taking it up the arse!"
Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!!"
Woman goes to the doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge".
Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel?" he asks.
"fudging lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"
An Irishmen wanting to become a priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer three questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the **** out of them!!"
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind son, maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women, the prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
Three weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "But it shouldn't be long now though, her clothes arrived yesterday!!
Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
A jump lead walks into a bar.
The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
Lemonade Money
Les Medley
Met a stunning woman at the weekend, 51 years old but looked 41. We started chatting and flirting, and the conversation lead to the subject of sex.
"Are you up for a mum/daughter threesome?" she asked. "Yes" I replied, thinking I can't believe my luck.
So we got a cab back to hers, I followed her through the front door and she shouted up the stairs,
"Mum, I've found someone."
"Are you up for a mum/daughter threesome?" she asked. "Yes" I replied, thinking I can't believe my luck.
So we got a cab back to hers, I followed her through the front door and she shouted up the stairs,
"Mum, I've found someone."