That's not what I'm hearing. I've been told that Ireland has asked the EU for assurances it will do everything it can to avoid a hard border and were told the same as the UK - "terms are on the table, go fudge yourselves". That may be fact or rumour but it's believed amongst a lot of people in that area.
I don't share your optimism about avoiding a border. Whilst in most of the UK having no border polls favourably, I suspect it would be quite far down the list compared to economic strength and not getting BINO. Whatever the agreement in the short term, I'd imagine that there would be a GE before it expires and however that falls the DUP will almost certainly be obscure, irrelevant cranks again.
As for your last paragraph I sort of agree. I don't see any scenario in which the EU won't force its will over others (democratically or not) in order to further it's own interests of ever greater assimilation. They fudged Ireland once, and that time they didn't even have the ability to pretend it was for their own good.