Wasn't sure where else to put this, but thought it was quite good from the Guardian's satirical blog "The Fiver":
THE KATE WINSLET AWARD FOR NON-STOP WEEPING
From belting out the national anthem a cappella to wearing those ludicrous Neymar hats and holding up that Neymar shirt, watching Brazil often felt like intruding on some private tragedy, rather than witnessing one of the most amusing meltdowns in years. Sadly they are a shadow of their former selves, a mawkish, self-regarding side that mistook crying a lot and kicking people as a substitute for skill, teamwork and tactics. Oh, Brazil. Is this really how you wanted us to see you? At times we were tempted to look away. But we couldn’t. It was too funny.
THE SIDESHOW BOB AWARD FOR THE PLAYER WHO STEPPED ON THE MOST RAKES OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You’ll often see poseurs point to criticism of David Luiz as evidence that English people just don’t understand football, not in the way poseurs who understand football understand football. Well who’s laughing now?
THE CONFUSED GRANDPARENT AWARD FOR PEOPLE UTTERLY BEFUDDLED BY TECHNOLOGY
Jonathan Pearce, for spectacularly failing to understand that they were showing two different replays of two separate incidents when they were trying to see if France’s second goal against Honduras had indeed crossed the line, the BBC man labouring under the misapprehension that they were making it up as they went along, even though his co-commentator, Martin Keown, was very carefully trying to explain to him what had happened. A special mention, too, to those people who thought that the referees’ vanishing spray could actually make objects disappear.
THE ‘IT WAS JUST BANTER’ AWARD
Perched on the beach, bathed in some splendid sunshine, there are five lads just doing the banter, like all lads do. Being lads, though, they need to outdo each other in the banter stakes. Step forward Ian Wright. “Yeah, [Shakira]’s great,” he panted, tongue hanging out and eyes bulging as he rubbed his legs with the palms of his hands. “You wouldn’t kick her out, that’s for sure. You would not kick her out.”
THE AWARD FOR ABSOLUTE STUPIDITY IN THE LINE OF DUTY
His Cameroon side are losing 1-0 and need to win to stay in the World Cup. The referee is metres away. There is an assistant referee on the closest touchline, looking in his direction. And yet Alex Song somehow gets it into his mind that the course of action most likely to help his team in this situation is to plant his elbow into the back of Croatia’s Mario Mandzukic.
WORST EXCUSE
“After the impact … I lost my balance, making my body unstable and falling on top of my opponent. At that moment I hit my face against the player, leaving a small bruise on my cheek and a strong pain in my teeth.” You couldn’t make this up, Luis Suárez, could you?
THE DAVID ICKE AWARD FOR DREAMING UP LAME CONSPIRACY THEORIES
Uruguay decided to blame everyone but themselves for Suárez’s attack of the nibbles, pointing the finger at the British media, aliens, Giorgio Chiellini unsportingly sprinkling salt on his shoulder, and ended up stripping themselves of their dignity, with Diego Lugano in particular mistaking a siege mentality for aggressive delusion.
THE SELF-PARODYING GOING AGAIN AND NOT LETTING IT SLIP AWARD
$tevie MBE. Again. Oh $tevie!
THE PHIL BABB AWARD FOR PAINFUL KNACK
It was the tackle of the World Cup. Arjen Robben was shaping to shoot his side into the World Cup final. The Dutchman had whispered to the ball ‘Home, James, and don’t spare the horses’ but in dived Javier Mascherano to divert said ball from its intended destination. In years to come, they will show this tackle in museums. Pictures of it will be sold by vendors on the street corners of Buenos Aires right beside those of Che Guevara, Eva Perón and Diego Maradona. There will be statues built and Mascherano will travel the world lecturing to kids about how it changed his whole perspective on life. But was it really worth anus-tear?
THE HARALD SCHUMACHER MEMORIAL AWARD FOR FLATTENING UNSUSPECTING STRIKERS AND SOMEHOW GETTING AWAY WITH IT
A big hand to Manuel Neuer, who in one fell swoop managed to take out Gonzalo Higuaín and then win a free-kick because the Argentina striker had the temerity to plunge his neck into the German goalkeeper’s neck-high knee.
THE JOHN HARTSON AWARD FOR SERVICES TO TEAM MORALE
“It all started with the first match against Mexico,” reminisced Benoît Assou-Ekotto. Benjamin Moukandjo took a temporary trip to La La Land and thought himself to be the type of player that can slalom his way through a defence unaided. Benoît barked at him and brought him back to reality. But the same thing happened against Croatia. “Get off my back!” boo-hooed Moukandjo. “I could not accept his reaction,” fumed Assou-Ekotto before moving in for the tenderest of Glasgow smooches.
THE AWARD FOR ABSOLUTE NEGLIGENCE
Congratulations Fifa! Woo hoo! Yet another piece of silverware to plonk on the mantelpiece. Haters gonna hate, of course, but by ignoring the clear concussions to Álvaro Pereira, Javier Mascherano and Christoph Kramer and not forcing the players off the pitch when they had suffered a serious brain injury, you have really earned this award. Now go celebrate!
THE PITCHFORK-WIELDING, MOUTH-FOAMING DULLARD AWARD FOR MOST POINTLESS OUTRAGE
Anyone who got very worked up about Arjen Robben making the most of Rafael Márquez’s challenge during Holland’s win over Mexico. Yes, he milked it, but it was a foul and that’s Márquez’s fault for dangling out a tired foot. Anyway, football would be a poorer sport without Robben’s surges, left foot, expectant tumbles and comedy refusal to pass to a team-mate.
Runners-up: If you were one of the 445 people who called in to make a complaint about Phil Neville’s commentary being a touch too monotone for your precious little ears, then you can sit back, light a cigarette, break open that bottle of sparkling wine you have been saving and celebrate.
THE AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS AWARD FOR THE LEAST SENSITIVE PHOTO OPPORTUNITY OF ALL TIME
Even Lionel Messi, wearing the expression of a man who’d just been told they’re making another Spider-Man film, looked a bit embarrassed to be collecting the Golden Ball, when the likes of Thomas Müller, James Rodríguez or Fred would have been far more deserving. The point is not that Messi had a bad tournament – Argentina would not have reached the final without his goals and assists – but that it smacked of promoting style over substance, a glitzy Fifa marketing opportunity. And where was the empathy? At that point, all Messi wanted to do was disappear down the tunnel, not stare into the distance and try to muster a smile for the cameras.
BEST FANS
Anyone who booed whenever Sepp Blatter dared to show his self-satisfied face. Help yourselves to a pat on the back and book those tickets to Russia and Qatar!
BEST EXAMPLE OF HOW TO PULL OFF A GALLIC SHRUG
When the relentlessly irritating Robbie Savage was SHOUTING his mouth off about how the best way to ROUGH UP the likes of Arsenal was to GET IN THEIR FACES because they DON’T LIKE IT UP ‘EM because they’re FOREIGN and SOFT, Thierry Henry produced a superbly dismissive chuckle, slapped his thighs and said “we managed”, brushing Savage aside in the manner of, well, Thierry Henry brushing aside Robbie Savage.
MOST EGREGIOUSLY UNCONVINCING ACT OF SPORTSMANSHIP
Brazil spent 90 minutes booting poor James Rodríguez from pillar to post in their quarter-final victory over Colombia, Fernandinho donning the hob-nailed boots and hacking the notion of joga bonito into a thousand tiny little pieces, leaving an air of stale cynicism in its place. But not to worry, because a world-class show of ostentation from Sideshow Dave after the final whistle made everything all right, as he grabbed a tearful Rodríguez, swapped shirts with him and did some excellent finger-pointing in his direction. No hard feelings, mate, sorry we had to kick you so much, nature of the game, nature of the game, you’re all right, though, yeah, no hard feelings? Good.
THE ROBERT GREEN AWARD FOR SERVICES TO WINDING UP FABIO CAPELLO
A starring performance from Russia’s Igor Akinfeev, whose butter-fingered flap against South Korea left Bo Selecta’s Fabio Capello looking thunderstruck on the touchline and wondering why his goalkeepers are always out to get him at a World Cup.
BEST IMPRESSION OF ENGLAND’S GOLDEN GENERATION
Belgium turned up in Brazil with plenty of hype and were expected to wow neutrals with their spectacular array of talent. Instead they dozed through the group stages, scraping by despite a string of underwhelming performances, turned up for a bit in extra-time against USA! USA!! USA!!! And then limped out meekly to Argentina in their quarter-final. Very England circa 2006.
MOST PREDICTABLE REACTION TO GERMANY WINNING THE FINAL
Great idea, guys! Why don’t England just copy the German model?
THE DAVID MAY AWARD FOR HIJACKING ALL CELEBRATORY PHOTOS DESPITE CONTRIBUTING THE SQUARE ROOT OF EFF ALL ON THE WAY TO VICTORY
Those watching Germany’s celebrations after winning Sunday’s final could have been forgiven for thinking that their only player was Lukas Podolski, such was the focus placed on a man who played a combined total of three seconds throughout the tournament. Germany’s answer to Pepe Reina appears to be the reason the selfie was invented.
MANAGER OF THE TOURNAMENT
A beaming Mr Roy for somehow successfully managing to downplay expectations and then escape any major blame once England had been knocked out after five days of the tournament, strolling through the departure lounge without a care in the world, as if everything had gone exactly as he’d planned.
THE LIONEL MESSI PLAYER OF THE TOURNAMENT AWARD
Jô