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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

More breaking news the latest celebrity being investigated by the BBC is Rod Hull who, apparently used to regularly fist defenceless animals.
 
Alan Pardew has told his Saudi Sportswashing Machine players to forget all about the clubs new sponsorship deal with Wonga.com. He's told them to just get on the pitch and give it 4107%.

Saudi Sportswashing Machine tops with the new logo available now for £39.99 - or 36 monthly payments of £258.44
 
A gooner walks into a bar with a pig under his arm.

'Where the fudge did you get that' says the landlord.

'I won him in a raffle' said the pig.
 
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

He can eat whenever he wants.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighbourhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

He makes no contribution to the running or maintenance of the house.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who go out, work hard, and earn a living every day.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head.












I think my dog is an IMMIGRANT
 
Totally confused nowadays. Schoolgirls dressing like prostitutes and prostitutes dressing like schoolgirls ! I don't know whether i should carry cash or a bag of sweets?
 
A bloke notices a tasty bird giving him the eye in the supermarket. 'Do I know u?' he asks. she says 'aren't u the father of 1 of my kids?' he thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful and says 'Were u the hooker I did over the pool table at my stag do while your mate spanked me with a piece of wet celery while shoving that massive cucumber up my arse?' she stares at him and says 'No, I'm Your daughter's teacher!



Paddy and Murphy are on a building site. Paddy says "I want a day off sick. "I'm gonna pretend I'm mad". He climbs up to the rafters & hangs upside down and shouts "I'm a lightbulb! I'm a lightbulb!" The foreman shouts "You're fudging mad, go home!" So he leaves the site. Murphy packs up to leave as well. The foreman says "Where the fudge are you going?" Murphy says "I can't work in the fudgein dark can I ?"
 
Two guys are walking through the park when they see a male dog lying in the grass, licking his balls. One of the guys says "I wish I could do that." His friend replies "I don't see why you can't. Just make sure to pet him a little first.
 
A guy with a gun enters a bar...

"Who the fudge had sex with my wife?" he snarled...

A voice was heard in the background , "you dont have enough bullets mate!"



(I am presuming the guy with the gun is Arcey but not sure)


I am thinking my joke was too far...
 
Thieves have stolen 20 crates of Red Bull from my local corner shop..I don't know how these bastards sleep at night.
 
Last night, I was sitting on the sofa with the wife when she said, "I love you".

I asked, "is that you or the wine talking?"

She replied, "it's me talking to the wine".

What a bitch.
 
The wife has been hinting for Xmas. "An i-pad or an i-phone... anything with an 'i' really" she keeps saying.

I've gone one better than that. Hope she likes the j-cloths.
 
There's a fat girl in work with the nickname "Dinosaur". I got tinkled and shagged her at the Xmas party in the stationery cupboard.

HopeNobodySaurus.
 
My wife promised me anal sex in return for getting our Xmas decorations done. So I bent her over, slipped it in and did the business.

She then said, "Can we get the tree up now?"

I said, "I struggled to get my **** in but I'll give it a go."
 
So Kate Middleton is pregnant..

I thought that it was government policy to discourage people who don't work from having kids.
 
Freddie Flintoff isn't the first sportsman to have a go at a sport he's not used to. For instance, Fernando Torres is having a go at football!
 
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