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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

I just heard on the news that a man has been admitted to hospital with six toy horses rammed up his arse.

His condition is described as stable.
 
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!

She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! "Anyway, I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled

.....so I told her to fudge off.



The wife & i were walking home from the pub last night when she nipped behind some bushes for a tinkle.

I was feeling a bit horny so i stuck my hand through the bushes for a feel & got the fright of my life.

"Have you changed sex" i asked.

"No" she said "but i've changed my mind i'm having a brick.
 
Was clearing out the attic yesterday and found a copy of TV Times from 1979. Or as it's now known, the sex offenders list
 
A man in the pub asked me if I wanted to help him coach a football team.

I said, "Sorry, I don't know anything about football."

"It's OK, neither do I," he laughed, "plus the money is good."

"OK, sign me up," I replied. "What's your name again?"

"Alan Pardew."
 
I know it should not have made me laugh but......

Some of the worst TV ever, a load of boring brick featuring a smug taco trying to show everyone how to dive.
Anyway, enough of QPR V Spurs, what time is Splash! on?
 
Went to the doctor and said "I struggle pronouncing my F's and my T's"

He said "Well, you can't say fairer than that then"
 
Mate just sent me this joke, told me it was Frankie Boyle's

Dappy has been accused of spitting at two girls. Does nobody from N-Dubz know how to swallow?
 
Just got back from a friend's funeral. He was hit on the head by a ball during a game of tennis.
It was a lovely service.
 
Was feeling randy at work so I sent the wife a text-
'When I get home I'd like you to suck me off'
She replied-
'Why are you never romantic ?'
So I wrote-
'When I get home I'd like you to suck me off next to a candle!'
 
One day, a priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before; the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father."

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says, "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"

The priest says, "Ah, please sir, can you mind your language?"

The fisherman responds (thinking quickly), "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called---a sonofabitch!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the priest. "I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Eminence, look at this big sonofabitch!"

"Please father," says the bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of GHod."

"No, you don't understand," says the priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"

"Hmmm," says the bishop. "You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."

So the bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent.

"Mother Superior, could you cook this sonofabitch for our dinner tonight with the Pope?"

"My lord, what language!" says the mother.

"No, sister," says the bishop. "That's what the fish is called---a sonofabitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it"

"Hmmm," replies Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."

While the Pope is over for dinner that evening he remarks that the fish is superb. He asks where they got it.

"I caught the sonofabitch!" says the priest.

"And I cleaned the sonofabitch!" says the bishop.

"And I cooked the sonofabitch!" says Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fudgers are all right.".
 
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