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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

Boris Johnson is being shown around a London hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.

He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies: "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

Boris, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him.

The patient replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"

Boris turns to the doctor and asks: "Is this the mental ward?"

"No" the doctor replies, "It's the Burns unit."
 
ghod said:
Boris Johnson is being shown around a London hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.

He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies: "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

Boris, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him.

The patient replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"

Boris turns to the doctor and asks: "Is this the mental ward?"

"No" the doctor replies, "It's the Burns unit."
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Jesus H Christ :ross:
 
Cant see whats so impressive about finding a Richard the Third under your feet in a council car park - I've seen hundreds
 
The Pope really proved his credentials as a good Catholic -- by pulling out before finishing the job
 
Also the Pope resigning gives me a great chance to re-use my favourite joke.

Every new Pope gets his own, brand new, personalised Popemobile. The Vatican decided last week, knowing Ratzinger was retiring, to put his on ebay to sell. At the end of the first day, the highest bid was £75k. By the end of the second day the highest bid had increased to £125k. And on the third day it rose again
 
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck,
"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we
don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The
Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvelous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
Yes" says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of Course" the barman replies.
With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused. then says

"What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer for?"
 
There are some horrible bastards about. I heard a cat crying outside so i opened the door and four Liverpool fans were playing football with it. I was just about to phone the RSPCA when the cat went 1-0 up.
 
Apparently Chinese students coming to Britain to study always prefer to enrol at the University of East Anglia.

Something to do with their insatiable thirst for Norwich.
 
Apparently, pistorius only shot at the door because he wanted to replace it with a new one - but his girlfriend was dead against it.
 
ghod said:
Apparently Chinese students coming to Britain to study always prefer to enrol at the University of East Anglia.

Something to do with their insatiable thirst for Norwich.
Click to expand...

Over my head

Dont get it

Im sure its funny haha - explain please
 
Papercut said:
I think the initial joke was 'inquisitive Chinese students' - Norwich being 'Knowledge'.
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ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Thats funny - if I fudgein understood it haha
 
I just fell down the stairs holding a guitar and accidentally wrote a One Direction song.
 
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