Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

[Aldo]

A pensioner drove his brand new car up to 100 mph, looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 110, then 120, ... then suddenly he thought
"I'm too old for this nonsense !"

So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said,

"Look, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."

The old man looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied:

"Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman…I was worried you were bringing her back."

Walking away, the smiling policeman said “Have a good day, Sir”

 

[Trixster]

If you weren't doing stupid speeds and driving like a dingdong, that joke would likely work in real life
(and if you hadn't been giving attitude from the second you got stopped)

 

[richie_spur]

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!”. They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

 

[Aldo]

For years I've had what I thought was a birthmark on my arse.
It turns out that it's a cigar burn.
How's about that then?

 

[MKSpur]

I really wasn't very good at school.

I even failed RE ffs.

When I found out I was like 'Jason Christ how have I failed RE '

 

[glasgowspur]

For years I've had what I thought was a birthmark on my arse.
It turns out that it's a cigar burn.
How's about that then?

I couldn't tell what my birth mark was, turns out to have been from a paintbrush.

 

[MKSpur]

For years I've had what I thought was a birthmark on my arse.
It turns out that it's a cigar burn.
How's about that then?

I think these Jimmy Saville jokes are in really bad taste..

When I was younger I wrote to him and be fixed it for me to milk a cow blindfolded...

*the radio phone in version of this was brilliant

 

[Glenda's Legs]

I think these Jimmy Saville jokes are in really bad taste..

When I was younger I wrote to him and be fixed it for me to milk a cos blindfolded...

*the radio phone in version of this was brilliant

He fixed it for you to milk a lettuce?

 

[MKSpur]

He fixed it for you to milk a lettuce?

Doh

Elton John is very anti Cos lettuce though, he's much more of a rocket man...

 

[Kandi1977]

Apparently it's the first time he heard the joke

https://twitter.com/x/status/1774734103172022512

 

[K.D.D.D.D.Soc]

Apparently it's the first time he heard the joke

https://twitter.com/x/status/1774734103172022512

Confirms my thoughts on the type of people Chelsea employ.