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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)
- Thread starter Roy1983
- Start date
Funny AND topical.=D>
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
Vidal sasson's lawyers are due to release details of his estate later today,
I bet he was worth a bob or two.
Apparently his son will receive nothing from his father's will.
I can't believe that he's cut off his own Heir.
I bet he was worth a bob or two.
Apparently his son will receive nothing from his father's will.
I can't believe that he's cut off his own Heir.
clownfoot
Goran Bunjevcevic
Me and the Mrs. were in the shopping centre earlier, where we rounded a corner to see a gaggle of young girls, all wearing next to nothing, pouring out of HMV.
"Pwhoar!" I said to the wife, pointing at a gorgeous lass of about twenty. "I bet you'd fudging love to have legs like her."
She didn't respond, but I could tell she was upset...I could hear the sobs as I wheeled her up the ramp into Debenhams
"Pwhoar!" I said to the wife, pointing at a gorgeous lass of about twenty. "I bet you'd fudging love to have legs like her."
She didn't respond, but I could tell she was upset...I could hear the sobs as I wheeled her up the ramp into Debenhams
yiddo2786
Steed Malbranque
Too sassoon?
Seedy Ron
Jimmy Neighbour
:ross:
Mumorn
Vic Buckingham
=D>
WookieD
Didier Zokora
:lol: That's the best of this crop of jokes. You could take that material to the fringe!
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
Sadly
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.
Sadly
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.
She explained that the member came with her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)
The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.' The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.
If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'
The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'
She explained that the member came with her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.
Naturally, the guys all agreed.
Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, 'Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots.'
With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.
The father's mouth was agape. 'That was beautiful,' he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, 'I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little.'
After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)
The son said, 'Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.' The blonde frowned and said, 'It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt.' She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.
For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.
When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.
She turned to the three guys and said, 'I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course.
If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Strath Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.'
The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, 'Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.'
The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. 'Don't listen to the kid, darlin', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.'
The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, 'That's a gimme, sweetheart.'
The blonde smiled and said, 'Your car or mine?'
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
The Olympic flame will not pass through Norwich..
They don't want to risk the Torch Bearer being tried for Witchcraft.
**********************************************
I'll never forget the last words that my son said to me before he was viciously battered to death.
"Dad, I'm gay."
********************************************
Apparently towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.
*******************************************
So Facebook has been valued at $100 Billion and shares are expected to continue to rise.
Mark Zuckerberg likes this.
***********************************************
Just heard about the Euro crisis.
I can't believe he picked Stewart Downing.
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
John Terry is going to his daughter's sports day this week.
He's wearing his full PE kit in case she wins.
********************************************
After being snubbed by Frank De Boer
Liverpool have approached his bother, Rupert
**********************************************
I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night.
I really need to stop drinking on duty.
***********************************************
A British aquarium claims to have the world's first vegetarian shark.
Either that or they're playing a really good prank on Nigel the tank cleaner.
*********************************************
I met a girl in the pub. We chatted and got drunk and I ended up at hers.
"Listen" I said, "I'm not very experienced and when I'm with a girl for the first time I do suffer from a bit of premature ejaculation."
"Well we can take it slow, babe," she winked. "How premature?"
"Remember earlier in the pub, when you asked me about sex?"
"Yeah?"
"Then."
*********************************************
It's Day 4 of the Olympic Torch Relay and I do not give a brick any more.
I had Day 3 in the office Suicide Bomber Sweep.
*********************************************
He's wearing his full PE kit in case she wins.
********************************************
After being snubbed by Frank De Boer
Liverpool have approached his bother, Rupert
**********************************************
I woke up in the Police station this morning with no memory of the previous night.
I really need to stop drinking on duty.
***********************************************
A British aquarium claims to have the world's first vegetarian shark.
Either that or they're playing a really good prank on Nigel the tank cleaner.
*********************************************
I met a girl in the pub. We chatted and got drunk and I ended up at hers.
"Listen" I said, "I'm not very experienced and when I'm with a girl for the first time I do suffer from a bit of premature ejaculation."
"Well we can take it slow, babe," she winked. "How premature?"
"Remember earlier in the pub, when you asked me about sex?"
"Yeah?"
"Then."
*********************************************
It's Day 4 of the Olympic Torch Relay and I do not give a brick any more.
I had Day 3 in the office Suicide Bomber Sweep.
*********************************************
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
3 van loads of pikeys arrive at the Pearly Gates,,,
St Peter asks how many are you? 40 is the reply,
St Peter says he will have to consult GHod.
GHod tells him to only let the ten tallest in as they are over quota with pikeys.
Pete goes off to deliver the news but returns within 5 minutes, "they`ve gone" he tells GHod,
GHod asks "what the 40 of them"?
"No" replys St Pete, "The Gates" !!
St Peter asks how many are you? 40 is the reply,
St Peter says he will have to consult GHod.
GHod tells him to only let the ten tallest in as they are over quota with pikeys.
Pete goes off to deliver the news but returns within 5 minutes, "they`ve gone" he tells GHod,
GHod asks "what the 40 of them"?
"No" replys St Pete, "The Gates" !!
I was so embarrassed when my Dad picked me up after school in his new Ferrari, with Megan Fox in the back.
He could at least have put a hat on, ginger taco.
You can imagine my anger when my son arrived home in a Chelsea shirt with John Terry on his back.
"You lazy **** Terry, fudging walk or you'll break my lad's back!" I said.
I have a real habit of acting out the names of any towns that I visit.
For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming.
When I went to Rugby, I played Rugby.
When I went to Bath, I took a bath.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.
I arrived home from work and my girlfriend started punching and kicking me.
"How could you?!" she screamed, "How fudging could you?! You've slept with my sister you bastard!"
"I'm sorry," I confessed. "I got to work and she was laying there...naked. I'm only human. What was I supposed to do?"
"The fudging autopsy" she cried.
A pervert makes a phone call and a woman answers.
The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching the football - who shall I say is calling?"
He could at least have put a hat on, ginger taco.
You can imagine my anger when my son arrived home in a Chelsea shirt with John Terry on his back.
"You lazy **** Terry, fudging walk or you'll break my lad's back!" I said.
I have a real habit of acting out the names of any towns that I visit.
For example, when I went to Poole, I went swimming.
When I went to Rugby, I played Rugby.
When I went to Bath, I took a bath.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I need bailing out of Blackburn police station.
I arrived home from work and my girlfriend started punching and kicking me.
"How could you?!" she screamed, "How fudging could you?! You've slept with my sister you bastard!"
"I'm sorry," I confessed. "I got to work and she was laying there...naked. I'm only human. What was I supposed to do?"
"The fudging autopsy" she cried.
A pervert makes a phone call and a woman answers.
The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"
Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching the football - who shall I say is calling?"
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
Al Queda to go on Strike...
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be... cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained,
"We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in Saudi Sportswashing Machine, Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow, and Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.
Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be... cut by 25% this April from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organisation of Occupational Martyrs (or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained,
"We sympathise with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in Saudi Sportswashing Machine, Middlesbrough, Essex, Glasgow, and Australia stated that they would be unaffected as there are no virgins in these areas anyway.
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.
Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise