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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "Give it to me straight, Doc. How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."
 
John David and Frank, who were lost in the forest, were captured by a tribe of cannibals.
The Cannibal King told the prisoners that they would be set free if they passed a two step trial.
The first step was to go to the forest and find ten pieces of the same fruit - so off they went with their chaperones.

John came back with ten apples as the King explained the second part of the trial, "You have to pass the fruit
up your rectum, without any expression - or else you will be killed and cooked"

The first apple went in, but on the start of the second apple he yelled out in pain, and he was dispatched.

Dave returned, with a handful of ten berries. Upon hearing the second part of the trial he was feeling confident.

The berries disappeared one by one... 5-6-7-8 and just as the ninth berry was about to disappear, Dave burst out laughing.
The inevitable happened.

In heaven John and Dave met, John asked,"What happened? why did you laugh? you were so close!"
Dave replied "I couldn't help it, I looked up and saw Frank walk into the camp with pineapples."
 
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday
night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

... Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the chemist
to get some condoms.. He tells the chemist
it's his first time and the chemist helps the
boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything
there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the chemist asks the boy
how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack,
10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because
he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his
first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's
parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows
his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still
deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from
the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down,
the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'

The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a chemist.'
 
Saw this on twitter:

With all the kids Rick Santorum has, I find it very difficult to believe he would pull out of anything.
 
[h=6]Big fight at a gypsy wedding in Ireland and it ends up in court..The judge says "Can anyone explain what happened?"
Paddy says,"I can, i was the best man and was dancing with the bride, we were dancing quite close when the groom stormed up and kicked the bride in the fanny....."
"I see," said the judge, "That must have hurt ?"
"Fookin right " said Paddy,"Broke 3 of my fingers......"[/h]
 
mick cooper said:
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday
night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.

... Since this is such a big event, the girl announces
to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like
to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the chemist
to get some condoms.. He tells the chemist
it's his first time and the chemist helps the
boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything
there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the chemist asks the boy
how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack,
10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because
he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his
first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's
parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner
table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows
his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still
deep in prayer, with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from
the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down,
the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..'

The boy turns, and whispers back,
'I had no idea your father was a chemist.'
Click to expand...
That's a cracker
 
A man says to his wife, "I
fancy kinky sex, how about I
blow my load in your ear?"
The wife hastily replies, "No, I
might go deaf!"
... To which the man replies, "I've
been shooting my load in your
mouth for the last 20 years
and you're still fudging talking
aren't you?"
 
Juan Mata didn't celebrate scoring Chelsea's 2nd goal today by kissing the badge-he would have done but Martin Atkinson's head was in the way.
 
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, " Why in the world do you need cyanide? The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, " Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! They'll throw both of us in jail and I'll lose my license.

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife and handed it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
 
two soldiers are captured by the rebels. The first rebel says:

" you have TWO CHOICES. first, is death. The second is BONGA."

soldier says after some consideration " I choose BONGA."

The rebels leap on him and *struggle cuddle* him violently for one hour.

the second soldier says "I will never go like that, I choose DEATH. "

rebel says " this is the ultimate sacrifice. Are you brave enough to make this choice? "

soldier says "yes. I am ready, I would rather die than be shamed like my friend."

rebel says " of course you must have death. Death by BONGA!!!"
 
I'd been seeing this Nurse for a few days and we finally got round to shagging... As I stripped off I said to her, "You must have seen a few ****s where you work? How do you rate mine?"

She replied, "It's just slightly bigger than most I see."

I said, "Thanks, what sort of nursing do you do by the way?"

"I'm a Midwife" she replied.
 
Paddy is in the pub telling his mates about his first parachute jump with the army. Paddy says, "We were about 30,000 feet up when they started to jump, when it was my turn I just couldn’t jump… no way! Then this huge black guy pulled out his 12 inch **** and says, Paddy, if you don’t jump I will stick this baby right up your arse."

Paddy’s mates asked “...did you jump?"

Paddy replies “...well, just a bit when it first went in.”
 
I came home late last night and my wife noticed some scratches on my neck.

"What the fudge's been going on?" she yelled, "Been shagging another woman, have we?"

"Of course not," I protested, "It's from my mate's cat."

"Oh, well that's alright then." she said.

I just don't understand that bitch. Sleeping with other women is frowned upon, but fudging a cat is acceptable?
 
Mate of mine went over to Switzerland for assisted suicide
for his last breakfast tackless basterds gave him a bowl of cheerios


dum tish im ere all week
 
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