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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

My **** was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once.

But it really tinkled off the librarian and she kicked me out.
 
I heard having a toss with your left hand feels like someone else is doing it?

On reflection, asking my girlfriend to do this wasn't a great idea.
 
I was about to pull out of a parking space when I asked my wife, "Are there any cars approaching?"

"No," she said, looking out of the passenger window.

As I manoeuvred onto the road she added, "Just a lorry."
 
[h=6]A man approaches a young woman in a shop. He says " I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" he says, "but whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with
tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!"[/h]
 
mick cooper said:
[h=6]A man approaches a young woman in a shop. He says " I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" he says, "but whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with
tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!"[/h]
Click to expand...


:D
 
Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.

"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy.

"Ay've got everythin' organised ulriddy, the fluers, the Kirk, the motor caurs,
... the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".

Archie nods approvingly.

"Ay've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.

"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that.
What's the tartan?"

"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white.



And before the wedding Archie and Jimmy go to the cake shop to get the wedding cake

Looking at one of the displays Archie says

“ Is that a macaroon, or a Meringue?”

Jimmy says

“nay, yer right – its a macaroon.”
 
ArnieArdiles said:
...
So I went down the pub instead and I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me.

"Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,

"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose."

...

:D
Click to expand...

mick cooper said:
[h=6]A man approaches a young woman in a shop. He says " I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes?"
The woman says "Sure but do you have any idea where your wife is?"
"Not a clue" he says, "but whenever I talk to a beautiful woman with
tits like yours she appears out of nowhere!"[/h]
Click to expand...

:lol:
 
Paddy says to Murphy ''Why do scuba divers fall of the boat backwards'',

Murphy says''Ya thick taco. If they fell forward they would still be on the boat''
 
A Welshman, a sheep, and a dog weresurvivors of a shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach everyevening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red,with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect nightfor romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better tothe Welshman.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it, but the dog gotjealous and began growling fiercely until Taffy took his arm from around thesheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets togetherbut there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The onlysurvivor, was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Taff hadever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, but they slowlynursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their eveningbeach ritual It was another beautiful evening; red sky, cirrus clouds, a warmand gentle breeze--perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Taffystarted to get "those feelings" again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over tothe young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
 
mick cooper said:
A Welshman, a sheep, and a dog weresurvivors of a shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach everyevening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red,with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect nightfor romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better tothe Welshman.

Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it, but the dog gotjealous and began growling fiercely until Taffy took his arm from around thesheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets togetherbut there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The onlysurvivor, was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Taff hadever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, but they slowlynursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their eveningbeach ritual It was another beautiful evening; red sky, cirrus clouds, a warmand gentle breeze--perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Taffystarted to get "those feelings" again.

He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over tothe young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Click to expand...

You, Sir, get a big, fat gold star!!!! Comedy gold!
 
A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold,
more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They
... chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch
breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel
important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a
pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took
her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little
girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she
had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and
Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those tossers at Jewsons deliver the fudging
bricks on time.
 
Some crackers on here, thanks for that. My dad remembers so many jokes off by heart, and casually brings in loads into conversations. Are any of you like that at all?
 
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