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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)
- Thread starter Roy1983
- Start date
clownfoot
Goran Bunjevcevic
Premature ejaculator seeks young attractive woman for fling. . . Must have large breasts, big lips, a tight ****, and. . . aaaaaw, ****sake, never mind. . .
I pulled my boxers off last night before getting into bed
The wife said "you spoil them dogs you do"
Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?
Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the fu**ing boat
Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day.
But teach a man to fish, and he will bore you to death with fishing stories.
Since I left my wife and filed for divorce she keeps sending me text messages saying, 'Trivial Pursuit, Chess, Scrabble.'
I just ignore them, there's no way I'm playing her mind games
I've just joined a reggae band playing the triangle.
I just stand at the back and ting
I employed a new gardener this morning and gave him a list of things to do,when I returned home from work he'd only done tasks 1,3,5 and 7 on the list.
Bloody useless,turns out he's just an odd job man.
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck,
"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we
don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The
Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvelous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
Yes" says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of Course" the barman replies.
With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused. then says
"What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer for?"
I pulled my boxers off last night before getting into bed
The wife said "you spoil them dogs you do"
Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats into the water?
Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the fu**ing boat
Give a man a fish, and he can eat for a day.
But teach a man to fish, and he will bore you to death with fishing stories.
Since I left my wife and filed for divorce she keeps sending me text messages saying, 'Trivial Pursuit, Chess, Scrabble.'
I just ignore them, there's no way I'm playing her mind games
I've just joined a reggae band playing the triangle.
I just stand at the back and ting
I employed a new gardener this morning and gave him a list of things to do,when I returned home from work he'd only done tasks 1,3,5 and 7 on the list.
Bloody useless,turns out he's just an odd job man.
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!
I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck,
"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we
don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The
Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him,
"You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvelous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really
good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
Yes" says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of Course" the barman replies.
With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused. then says
"What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer for?"
President Obama and David Cameron go to dinner at a posh restaurant. They browse the menu and the waitress approaches the table to take their order. 'You first' says Cameron. The president smiles and says to the young waitress 'I'd like a quicky'. The young waitress looks horrified and walks off upset and annoyed.
Cameron leans over and whispers 'Mr President it's pronounced quiche'.
Cameron leans over and whispers 'Mr President it's pronounced quiche'.
Rorschach
Sonny Walters
Yes famine is hilarious.
Spursalot
Jimmy McCormick
Of all the jokes in here that is the one you choose to take offence at?
Notsureifserious.
Rorschach
Sonny Walters
Deadly
Too soon?
Rorschach
Sonny Walters
Nah. Just messing with him.
spasm
Gudni Bergsson
:ross:
Excellent!
Spursalot
Jimmy McCormick
A man and a boy go into a barbershop.
After getting his haircut, the man says, "Now cut the boy's hair too. I'll be back soon."
When he's finished cutting the boy's hair, the barber says, "When is your father coming back to pay?"
The boy says, "He's not my father. He met me in the street and asked if I wanted a free haircut."
After getting his haircut, the man says, "Now cut the boy's hair too. I'll be back soon."
When he's finished cutting the boy's hair, the barber says, "When is your father coming back to pay?"
The boy says, "He's not my father. He met me in the street and asked if I wanted a free haircut."
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the guy money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other cabbies
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the guy money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other cabbies
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This guy was driving along a country road. Along the side of the road he sees a sign: "Apples, £5.00 each." So he pulls over to the side of the road and asks the farmer why his apples are so expensive. The farmer says, "Well, these are peanut butter and jelly apples." So the guy buys one. He says, "These apples only taste like jelly, where's the peanut butter?" The farmer says, "Turn the apple over and take a bit of the other side." Sure enough the other side tasted like peanut butter.
So he continues on his way and along the side of the road he sees another sign: "Apples, £20.00 each." So he gets out and asks the farmer why these apples are so expensive. "These are ham and cheese apples," the farmer says. So the guy buys one. The apple only tasted like ham, so he asked the farmer why and he said, "Turn the apple over and you will taste the cheese."
Then he is driving down the road again and he sees another sign: "Apples, £50.00 each." So he asks the farmer, "What's up with these apples being so expensive?" The farmer tells him they are p***y apples. So the guy buys one. He takes a bite into the apple and says "This apple tastes like s**t!" And the farmer says, "Turn it over."
So he continues on his way and along the side of the road he sees another sign: "Apples, £20.00 each." So he gets out and asks the farmer why these apples are so expensive. "These are ham and cheese apples," the farmer says. So the guy buys one. The apple only tasted like ham, so he asked the farmer why and he said, "Turn the apple over and you will taste the cheese."
Then he is driving down the road again and he sees another sign: "Apples, £50.00 each." So he asks the farmer, "What's up with these apples being so expensive?" The farmer tells him they are p***y apples. So the guy buys one. He takes a bite into the apple and says "This apple tastes like s**t!" And the farmer says, "Turn it over."
Lemonade Money
Les Medley
I was licking my wife out last night when suddenly she farted.
"You're disgusting!" I said gagging.
"So are you" she snapped, "I'm trying to have a sh1t".
"You're disgusting!" I said gagging.
"So are you" she snapped, "I'm trying to have a sh1t".
