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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

The top ten jokes chosen this year are as follows: (Frome the Edinburgh Festival)


1. Stewart Francis – “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."
2. Tim Vine – “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. ”
3. Will Marsh – “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.”
4. Rob Beckett – “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.”
5. Chris Turner – “I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know why.”
6. Tim Vine – “I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze.”
7. George Ryegold – “Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating.
8. Stewart Francis – “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!”
9. Lou Sanders – “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad.”
10. Nish Kumar – “My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn’t fancy her chances.”
 
mick cooper said:
The top ten jokes chosen this year are as follows: (Frome the Edinburgh Festival)


1. Stewart Francis – “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." brick
2. Tim Vine – “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. ” OK
3. Will Marsh – “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” POOR
4. Rob Beckett – “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” VERY POOR
5. Chris Turner – “I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know why.” VERY GOOD
6. Tim Vine – “I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze.” POOR
7. George Ryegold – “Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating. VERY POOR
8. Stewart Francis – “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” VERY GOOD
9. Lou Sanders – “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad.” GOOD
10. Nish Kumar – “My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn’t fancy her chances.” OK
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Well I won't be visiting the fringe any time soon
 
Steed Train said:
I hate the new found obsession with puns, they represent the most terrible form of comedy in my eyes. Any clown shoe can sit in a room and come up with a load of puns they just deliver one after the other
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You must have some crazy stamina. I can only do one or two.
 
Tim Vines jokes have more effect when delivered as a part of his relentless stand up - some of the jokes are pretty bad but his delivery of them is spot on
 
I've seen Tim Vine live a couple of times, physically exhausting when he's on his game, brilliant comedian.
 
Southstand! :D

mick cooper said:
The top ten jokes chosen this year are as follows: (Frome the Edinburgh Festival)


1. Stewart Francis – “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks." 6/10
2. Tim Vine – “Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly. ” 8/10
3. Will Marsh – “I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister.” 9/10
4. Rob Beckett – “You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.” 7/10
5. Chris Turner – “I’m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet … I don’t know why.” 6/10
6. Tim Vine – “I took part in the sun tanning Olympics – I just got Bronze.” 5/10
7. George Ryegold – “Pornography is often frowned upon, but that’s only because I’m concentrating. 6/10 - so much more potential in that joke!!! :D
8. Stewart Francis – “I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!” 6/10
9. Lou Sanders – “I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: ‘It’s not rocket salad.” 7/10
10. Nish Kumar – “My mum’s so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism … she wouldn’t fancy her chances8/10.”
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I guess delivery counts too.
 
My deaf girlfriend started talking in her sleep last night... Nearly had my bloody eye out!
 
A young guy asks "Granny have you seen my pills - they were in a jar marked LSD?"

Granny says "fudge the pills have you seen the fudging dragon in the kitchen!?"
 
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks
Into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

... 'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me
Great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me
From the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f**kin' liar......
 
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