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Women!

By confronting the situation you have now backed each other into a corner, from something that wasn't that bigger thing in the first place. Her action was a irrational flippant reaction that I have no doubt she would love to take back but because of your confrontation she cannot now. Valentines is a different day to real life... I doubt Nigel's lady is one bit jealous of his daughter on a daily basis, or that his relationship with his daughter comes before there's. The initial reaction was one that she thought she was special and Nigel took it away by making someone equally special meaning hers was lessened and she felt hurt. Its the initial split second action, the stoney stare that tells this.

Now as I said I would have left it. Then later down the line.. next valentine's to a) Involve the new wife regarding his daughters valentine's.. b) Got them different things, with the wife getting the better items.

At he end of the day, its about avoiding the ear-ache lol

I hope you guys sort it out.
 
Superhudd said:
By confronting the situation you have now backed each other into a corner, from something that wasn't that bigger thing in the first place. Her action was a irrational flippant reaction that I have no doubt she would love to take back but because of your confrontation she cannot now. Valentines is a different day to real life... I doubt Nigel's lady is one bit jealous of his daughter on a daily basis, or that his relationship with his daughter comes before there's. The initial reaction was one that she thought she was special and Nigel took it away by making someone equally special meaning hers was lessened and she felt hurt. Its the initial split second action, the stoney stare that tells this.

Now as I said I would have left it. Then later down the line.. next valentine's to a) Involve the new wife regarding his daughters valentine's.. b) Got them different things, with the wife getting the better items.

At he end of the day, its about avoiding the ear-ache lol

I hope you guys sort it out.
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Not being funny but are you the sort of guy that finds out his wife is cheating on him and sweeps it under the rug?
 
I bought my daughter the same present as my wife, because I love her and I feel it is a nice way of showing her that. I would never feel guilty or have to second guess myself by showing someone I love an act of kindness, and I would hope that no one else would look upon these acts unfavourably as the intention is, and should be plainly obvious.

Keep doing what you are doing Nigey, there is no better feeling than the hug you get from your daughter, and if you get an extra one because you bought her flowers then it is a very small price to pay.
 
Kingdawson said:
Not being funny but are you the sort of guy that finds out his wife is cheating on him and sweeps it under the rug?
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Haha, Really. You think that this situation is anywhere near on a par with infidelity. I would chop her into tiny pieces and dump her. To be honest, we have an open relationship where sex is concerned. Luckily for me she hasn't wanted another guy but she likes other women. So on holiday she has had a few lady friends come back whilst I have stayed at the bar. A couple of times I have been fortunate and joined them. We have before watched MFC together and contemplated joining but I always get cold feet haha. If she did want another man she would sit me down and we would discuss it, because ultimately we trust each other to say stuff, but I don't see it happening but if it did, I would tell her I wouldn't welcome it and that would be the end of it.
 
Superhudd said:
Haha, Really. You think that this situation is anywhere near on a par with infidelity. I would chop her into tiny pieces and dump her. To be honest, we have an open relationship where sex is concerned. Luckily for me she hasn't wanted another guy but she likes other women. So on holiday she has had a few lady friends come back whilst I have stayed at the bar. A couple of times I have been fortunate and joined them. We have before watched MFC together and contemplated joining but I always get cold feet haha. If she did want another man she would sit me down and we would discuss it, because ultimately we trust each other to say stuff, but I don't see it happening but if it did, I would tell her I wouldn't welcome it and that would be the end of it.
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These weird revelations doesn't surprise me in the least.

So Nigey, do the opposite of what SuperHudd advises.
 
Kingdawson said:
These weird revelations doesn't surprise me in the least.

So Nigey, do the opposite of what SuperHudd advises.
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Lol I don't want him to take my advice KD.. I'm enjoying this thread and want to see the outcome when confrontation is used to sort it.

You in a relationship KD?

Weren't you the guy that don't drink from the fountain. lol
 
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Superhudd said:
Lol I don't want him to take my advice KD.. I'm enjoying this thread and want to see the outcome when confrontation is used to sort it.

You in a relationship KD?

Weren't you the guy that don't drink from the fountain. lol
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I'm seeing someone...wouldn't exactly call it a relationship yet. Yeh that's me, i don't muff dive but to each is his own.

"Luckily for you she hasn't wanted another guy"?....yep you're a very lucky man indeed. Your wife not wanting another man? you can't get luckier.
 
Kingdawson said:
These weird revelations doesn't surprise me in the least.

So Nigey, do the opposite of what SuperHudd advises.
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'Weird' ?:ross: I used to think that sometimes people need to get more, but even those who are stuck in have the internet and superhudds 'revelations' wouldn't even register on the web-weirdometer.
 
Well I dunno.....

last night I felt dodgy with the hangover...she was constantly on at me........when I wouldnt say everything was fine her mother turns up.....later after threatening to call everything off she says to me 'im trying on my dress tomorrow' before bursting into tears.....I told her that we would still get married but I needed her to learn lessons and not behave in that manner again.

In truth I am seriously put off.....

She is catholic and recently we have been attending a 4 week course on marriage....we are sat amongst other couples listening to a catholic priest,deacons...and the deacons brought in their wives of 40 years or so to talk about marriage....anyway whilst I am not remotely relegious I have listened intently to their views on what marriage is....why it works and why it can fail.....

I know some of you have asked if I did anything else to make her react that way but I didnt! as I have said I have known/been with her for 9 years so I know when something is wrong with her....often I can give her what she wants/needs before she even asks for it! but I worry she doesnt know me as well or understand my bond with my daughter. In the car I immediatley tried to sort things out!!!! I asked her what the matter was in a calm way whilst feeling the dread inside....as we pulled up home she ignored my attempts to talk and stormed into the house....It was when we were inside she made the comment that 'she should have been the only one I bought flowers for' she stormed upstairs to ask me 20 mins later whether I had written her name in the card.....I answwered truthfully 'no I hadnt' so she called me an **** and went to bed!!! thus I sit there feeling bemused and like my world is falling away!!!! thats when I started this thread......I sit there and try to understand her behaviour......and then the anger comes!!!! jealousy of my daughter.......

Perhaps this is where I made a mistake.... I should have woke her up and told her I was ****** basically....I didnt......I didnt want the confrontation....I felt empty....I felt at that point she wasnt worth it!

So Saturday I go to work.....(thank GHod) the only things she says in the morning is 'we wont celebrate v day anymore' As I was leaving for work I picked up my stuff and told her I thought she was 'utterly pathetic' nothing more just that and I left..........of course at work I just went over things in my head all day so when I got home I was in a rage.........twice during the day she tried to call me which I ignored.....maybe that was bad of me to but I was a tad irate!!!!

So then when I got home everything cam out!!!!! all the anger I supressed the night before.... we were both meant to go into town for my mates birthday.....he was having a curry then going out into pubs/clubs.....we would have just gone home..........anyway I said what I said.....that I was disgusted with her....that she made my stomach crawl....that I was going out on my own and I didnt want her to come....as I couldnt stand the site of her....didnt want to be at home etc...

not proud of my outburst not one bit.....she/her mum have had a go at me for leaving her home alone!!!!! I told her mum that I didnt want to spend all night shouting at her....or throwing stuff around because I felt that angry.....I took myself out of the equation!!!!! her mum refused to believe point blank that her daughter was jealous of Katie....I asked her if her daughter was with someone who had a go at her/got jealous because she got you a gift what would you say? I pointed out that she would tell her daughter to leave that person!!!!!!!!

she has tried to deny she said that about the flowers...then she backtracked again.......so I havent spoken to anyone and all of a sudden I have my Dad!!!! her mum having a go at me because money has been invested in our big day and I am rocking the boat!!!!!!!!

I feel utterly shattered and I told her she wasnt mature/ready to get married!!!!!

I feel lost because I tried to be mature and sort the problem straight away only for her to storm off like a child!!! then she changes her story to show herself in a better light and then I am pressured from all sides to just accept that she can act like a right Knob!!!! not that they think she is anything other than an angel......I cant even tell my dad!!!! he thinks the sun shines out of her every orifice!!!

So yeah Im back home but I havent greeted her and my dads just got off the phone with me!!!!! I have a house with her....and we are about to get married!!!!! my eyes have opened but I dont feel like I have any choices here.........do the unthinkable and say no and I pi** off her/my daughter her/my family!!!!!

Life doesnt feel how it should when your about to marry someone.......alot of what I belived in has been taken away!
 
Well I dunno.....

last night I felt dodgy with the hangover...she was constantly on at me........when I wouldnt say everything was fine her mother turns up.....later after threatening to call everything off she says to me 'im trying on my dress tomorrow' before bursting into tears.....I told her that we would still get married but I needed her to learn lessons and not behave in that manner again.

In truth I am seriously put off.....

She is catholic and recently we have been attending a 4 week course on marriage....we are sat amongst other couples listening to a catholic priest,deacons...and the deacons brought in their wives of 40 years or so to talk about marriage....anyway whilst I am not remotely relegious I have listened intently to their views on what marriage is....why it works and why it can fail.....

I know some of you have asked if I did anything else to make her react that way but I didnt! as I have said I have known/been with her for 9 years so I know when something is wrong with her....often I can give her what she wants/needs before she even asks for it! but I worry she doesnt know me as well or understand my bond with my daughter. In the car I immediatley tried to sort things out!!!! I asked her what the matter was in a calm way whilst feeling the dread inside....as we pulled up home she ignored my attempts to talk and stormed into the house....It was when we were inside she made the comment that 'she should have been the only one I bought flowers for' she stormed upstairs to ask me 20 mins later whether I had written her name in the card.....I answwered truthfully 'no I hadnt' so she called me an **** and went to bed!!! thus I sit there feeling bemused and like my world is falling away!!!! thats when I started this thread......I sit there and try to understand her behaviour......and then the anger comes!!!! jealousy of my daughter.......

Perhaps this is where I made a mistake.... I should have woke her up and told her I was ****** basically....I didnt......I didnt want the confrontation....I felt empty....I felt at that point she wasnt worth it!

So Saturday I go to work.....(thank GHod) the only things she says in the morning is 'we wont celebrate v day anymore' As I was leaving for work I picked up my stuff and told her I thought she was 'utterly pathetic' nothing more just that and I left..........of course at work I just went over things in my head all day so when I got home I was in a rage.........twice during the day she tried to call me which I ignored.....maybe that was bad of me to but I was a tad irate!!!!

So then when I got home everything cam out!!!!! all the anger I supressed the night before.... we were both meant to go into town for my mates birthday.....he was having a curry then going out into pubs/clubs.....we would have just gone home..........anyway I said what I said.....that I was disgusted with her....that she made my stomach crawl....that I was going out on my own and I didnt want her to come....as I couldnt stand the site of her....didnt want to be at home etc...

not proud of my outburst not one bit.....she/her mum have had a go at me for leaving her home alone!!!!! I told her mum that I didnt want to spend all night shouting at her....or throwing stuff around because I felt that angry.....I took myself out of the equation!!!!! her mum refused to believe point blank that her daughter was jealous of Katie....I asked her if her daughter was with someone who had a go at her/got jealous because she got you a gift what would you say? I pointed out that she would tell her daughter to leave that person!!!!!!!! I got the whole she is an amazing step-mum speach....I told them that wasnt my issue....my problem was being made to feel horrendous for trying to make my daughter feel special.

she has tried to deny she said that about the flowers...then she backtracked again.......so I havent spoken to anyone and all of a sudden I have my Dad!!!! her mum having a go at me because money has been invested in our big day and I am rocking the boat!!!!!!!!

I feel utterly shattered and I told her she wasnt mature/ready to get married!!!!!

I feel lost because I tried to be mature and sort the problem straight away only for her to storm off like a child!!! then she changes her story to show herself in a better light and then I am pressured from all sides to just accept that she can act like a right Knob!!!! not that they think she is anything other than an angel......I cant even tell my dad!!!! he thinks the sun shines out of her every orifice!!!

So yeah Im back home but I havent greeted her and my dads just got off the phone with me!!!!! I have a house with her....and we are about to get married!!!!! my eyes have opened but I dont feel like I have any choices here.........do the unthinkable and say no and I pi** off her/my daughter her/my family!!!!!

Life doesnt feel how it should when your about to marry someone.......alot of what I belived in has been taken away!
 
Nigey, awful situation mate, and I'm no counsellor (like everyone else on here I expect) so don't forget that when listening to opinions here.

It's better that this has happened before the wedding, it's an issue that you and your fiancé need to sort out between the just the 2 of you, no one else's opinion matters here, irrespective of the wedding and how much it cost.

You both need to try and hold a civilised conversation and work out exactly where you both stand, you need to air all your issues with each other now and give your whole relationship some serious thought.

It's very possible something else has been eating at her that she hasn't been able to vocalise, if you can both vent reasonably it may come out the firehose and you'll be able to move forward. If it is solely a jealousy issue then she needs to accept working through that as it's an unreasonable position to take, she may have deeper insecurity issues which can manifest themselves in more serious ways down the road.
 
That sounds a awfully large load of earache! And all from something that IMO is blown out of all proportion if you don't mind me saying. Simply, I don't think you end a nine year relationship over something like this.

what I would do.. Be the bigger person and apologise for your reaction. Shouting and arguing solves nothing. Explain your love for your daughter is that of what you have for her. Agree to involve her in valentines for your daughter. Hopefully she will then apologise.

Then comes the makeup sex... Then back to usual life.

question Nigel.. I take it this is he first year you have treated your daughter for Valentines.

BTW, I asked the wife how she would feel if we had a daughter and I'd bought the same.. as in card and flowers. Her initial reaction was why would you get our daughter a card and flowers. Her words were at that age shouldn't the cards be from admirers and secret admirers, she went on to say... she would get a card if she thought our daughter was likely not have got one and put a poem and left it unsigned. Valentines is for lovers, girlfriends and boyfriends or secret admirers.

Anyway.. I hope you get things back on track.
 
yeah first time I have treated her to val day.......

dunno exactly why I did I get what you mean.......I know some dads always do this for their daughters....I dunno I acted on impulse I guess...she is at the age when girls start caring about that stuff....in other words if she didnt get one at school I didnt want her feeling down.....not that I understand girls....but you know she is at the age when things are changing if you know what I mean....wanted to make her feel loved/special.... following on from conversations ive had with her how things are going at school.....of course she worries about being unpopular....not being a girl boys like....her bodys changing that sort of thing.....

thought it would make her smile.....and to be fair......the look on her face.....her smile......Im glad I did it despite the furore its caused! id do it again.
 
Superhudd said:
100% agree.. Anything you do should be what you think is best. Never take advice of people on the Internet. lol
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oh I know....however without meeting some of you lot I feel like I know some of you......not to get all mushy but you know what I mean!!!!

and this isnt a dating site....;) course Ive spoke to my best mate....but my family is a joke at the mo....so cant really talk to them.

part of me is very embaressed to have opened myself up like I have done...but I really dont care.....obviouslly I have read different views from you lot and advice...its all good....I needed an outlet as I felt I was going mad....and reading what some of you have put has helped.....
 
To be honest with you, I think you just need to use less exclamation marks...

Reading through, it initially sounded like a reaction to simply not telling her you were doing it /had done it more than anything else. Does she often say "you never tell me anything"?

But then if she actually admitted to being jealous of your *daughter* or saying she should be the only one to get flowers then you should indeed kick her well and truly in the sponge.
 
Nigel, the money invested in the wedding is irrelevant compared to the rest of your life, marriage, divorce, your house etc. so forget that money completely and just look inside yourself for what you should really do.

Imagine the two different scenarios - think about yourself in 5 years' time as either married or not and consider which makes you feel happiest.
 
Nigey, step back from it all. Think about your relationship with your gf on the whole. When things are good how does she make you feel? When was the last time you felt overwhelmed by how much you care for her? Is it possible to be that happy again with her? Answer some of these questions truthfully, find out if the relationship is worth it first of all.

Has she treated your daughter well? Ever given you a reason to worry about leaving your daughter with her? Does your daughter like her?

Once you know the relationships worthwhile then it's all about understanding. As cliche as it sounds you can only solve things through talking and understanding. It sounds easy but is often the hardest thing to do, to speak rationally to one another as adults without resorting to flying off the handle.

The important question you need answered is WHY she would be unhappy at such a nice thought for your daughter.

Nothing you've posted here makes you sound unreasonable. But you need to get to the bottom of her insecurities or establish whether you've done anything else wrong.

If your truly not happy, then perhaps it's best to call it a day even though that might seem the harder thing to do right now. Just be brutally honest with yourself.
 
Don't marry her for the wrong reasons. Thousands of people do this every week. "oh, we have spent so much money on the reception," or "yeah, but we have been together so long, people would be shocked if we call it off", or "things will settle once we're married." Im my view the gut feeling never lies. If your gut says go on with it, then do so. If not, postpone it and get some decent counselling. There's plenty of good counselling around, if you do your research.

Also, don't beat yourself up for being so open. In the main, people on here are good hearted and very understanding. You have received some good advice and of course everyone wishes you the best, whatever decision you take.
 
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