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The poo & guff thread...

Somebody at my work keeps leaving the biggest skids ever, right up the pan, I honestly think they must brick standing up its rank
 
I'm glad at this thread's mini revival as I can share my very own, very different mini revival in the bog this morning. After morning coffee I head sharpish to the bog as morning ritual dictates these days. The sordid coffee fueled crap comes out sweeter than the drink itself, nothing new, must be the arabica.

So there I am, thinking the show is over, I begin to reach for the roll of brick tickets. As I do, out of nowhere, I drop an absolute bowl thumper, with bottom belch to match.
 
Got a job interview next week - right in the middle of my usual brick window.

Do I force the issue and go in empty or use the power of the bowel to focus my mind.
Dilemma
 
A man after my own dump. I once had the same dilemma and can tell you the sounds my guts were making in the interview were like two turds going to war.
 
I hate it when you're out with a mate, you start to feel the need for a big dump coming on. You want to go but can't, as it feels socially awkward to say 'hey, do you mind waiting around for ten minutes whilst I have a big dump?!'..especially if your mate is female & you've headed out somewhere for the day. What is the solution then? I'm just relieved that I didn't have the bricks, that would have been even worse!
 
If it's a mate - do the deed then talk about it until they get really embarrassed. That's what mates are for.

If its a laaady, its an acid test - I am man, therefore I brick.
 
Usually the swear filter is really annoying, but I am loving the forced revival of the word crud.

Its like retro swearing.
( like when your parents used to say "git" was a swear word. No mum, cnut is a swear word")
 
Someone, somewhere, said recently that every day someone, unbeknownst to themselves has the biggest poo in the World for that day. I think I've made a damn good effort this morning! Took me 20+ minutes to finish and this time, all the time spent on the toilet was having that poo!
 
Woke up with horrendous stomach pains this morning, I literally had to sprint to the loo and totally pebble dashed the pan, it smelt evil, not a nice wake up call
 
A had a major log again this morning. As long and as thick as a rolling pin and just one single unit. Bumhole clean as a whistle after, nothing on the loo paper. Apparently thats a sign of a healthy stool.
 
Had no chance of a crap today untill now, am posting whilst on the crapper, as I just squeezed out four logs, about ten inches long a piece. I can feel a second wind coming too, and it reeks, feel like an empty shell after that
 
markysimmo said:
Woke up with horrendous stomach pains this morning, I literally had to sprint to the loo and totally pebble dashed the pan, it smelt evil, not a nice wake up call
Click to expand...
Think i've got a bug, been sick 4 times during the day and done two more evil evil splats
 
El Guepardo said:
I hate it when you're out with a mate, you start to feel the need for a big dump coming on. You want to go but can'ts it feels socially awkward to say 'hey, do you mind waiting around for ten minutes whilst I have a big dump?!'..especially if your mate is female & you've headed out somewhere for the day. What is the solution then? I'm just relieved that I didn't have the cruds, that would have been even worse!
Click to expand...
Just tell them your having a toss instead.
 
Worse feeling to have,is when your on a stag do or a football tour,and your routine is thrown totally out of sink......up at 6am,travel to where you going,drop your bags off at hotel,out in 10 mins and start drinking till when ever,come your poo time your in some dirty pub whose toilets are just a hole in the ground and with toilet paper made up of tracing paper,and you just heard your off to the next pub and you still got 3/4 of a pint left to drink. You end up having a poo at 3am and your totally dehydrated and its like pushing a melon through a key hole.......uuurrrrrrggg
 
Had to stop off at three different service stations today to have a crap, went through the full repertoire of the bristol stool chart, my balloon knot feels like johnny cash's microphone
 
i have developed this unique attribute (according to my wife at least) of my fart following me, i fart in one room, walk into another and said guff is just as pungent, I'm wondering how I can market this
 
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