thfcsteff
Fanny Walden
Marc Oliver, Savile Row
I walked in, determined and resolute.
"Can I get some service - britches?!"
"Excuse me you rude individual, how DARE you throw that 'B' word around here!"
"What?...no, not 'bitches', BRITCHES, as in an attractive, well-tailored pair of BIG BOY PANTS which I want to wear with immediate effect!"
"Ahhhhhh, a brand-new pair of supremely crafted britches, trousers, or BIG BOY PANTS as we shall now refer to them, well most certainly Sir, we can entertain that request. Might I enquire as to the nature of reasoning behind your purchase, and how we should design them?"
"I support Tottenham Hotspur FC, and honestly, the past couple of years has seen me wildly ranging from care-free ripped denim cut-off shorts to trackkies to bland wool-blend C&A single-pleat 'normals' to at times (frankly) being so fraught I stepped out into the fu-cking street in nothing but my underpants! It has at times been so bad, I have had nightmares where I am at away games in my f**king SCHOOL SHORTS with everyone laughing at me! I considered a kilt for a while so as when people mocked us, I could turn around and in crude juvenile fashion, show them my arse! I mean, I'd have settled on ANY of those as 'regular wear' but we had no real aim, direction or implied clue as to WTF we were doing! And when we got close, when I actually thought I'd be proudly wearing high-waisted Melnourne Safari pants, well, I ended up feebly wearing a pair of light grey Mads Nørgaard slacks FF-fudging-SAKE!!!!!!!
"But now I'm ready to stop, stand, and be counted. As a club, we have taken a direction. We have chosen to support our manager. We have spent more money getting him players then I thought possible, and sold more players than I can remember in a window to give him the environment he wants and keep our books reasonable. We have been unafraid in the transfer market. Jesus, even 3rd choice signings are names the manager has had on his list! The boardroom appears to be trying very hard to be both honest and transparent. The entire club appears to be trying to remain upwards and consistent. Did we get everything we wanted? Impossible. But we got a lot of it, a lot of good stuff done. And now the transfer window has actually closed, I can see EXACTLY what we've got squad-wise, I can see EXACTLY what players we have, and I can finally get on with the job of supporting the club distraction-free (as can the club get on with the job of becoming the Tottenham Hotspur we all want us to be)."
"Poetic Sir, most poetic, however haven't you gone and done what you always do as a club, signed a couple of dodgy cheapos at the end, and failed to get your top priority left-winger? And haven't you lost your first two games of the season with 5 goals conceded and none scored?"
I smiled and sighed. How typical. A surface reaction.
"Here's the thing. Narratives are all the rage these days my good man. Every week is an opportunity to create a crisis. The internet loves a crisis. Everything is a crisis, the more the better. AND nothing is ever enough! Got yourself a Tag Heuer? Well it isn't a Panerei is it! Driving a Porsche 911-S after years in an Audi? Well it isn't an Aston Martin so WTF!!!! I mean, we signed a left-winger for 75 million, yet that's forgotten. We lost a noble defender who wanted more regular football and managed to replace him with a player the manager wanted in the last few days of the transfer window? Crikey. We spent over 150 million upgrading our midfield, and we got ourselves. 60 million multi-positional creative striker too! IN ONE WINDOW! And this is to say NOTHING of the players we moved on, a couple of whom I was sad to see leave, while accepting that is the price of doing things properly...yet STILL there is a sense of unease among some supporters. Oh I understand, I do, there's PTSD and a dash of fear from recent past near-disasters...but this is DIFFERENT. We HAVE a plan, we ARE acting, and we NEED to believe IMO because everyone IS doing their best at THFC to get this club firing in not just the right direction, but with a style we will love.
"It will take time, it will take patience, but I BELIEVE it will all click sooner than later, and to further celebrate this self-realisation, I have realised I need a brand new pair of BIG BOY PANTS, sleek and adventurous, yet sturdy and authoritative. The sort of pants which say 'Don't even TRY your mewlling whiney whiney flimflam around me because I ain't got the motherfudging TIME for such uncertainty and drama...I am SICK of not knowing what trousers to wear, I am SICK of feeling like I'd be best off wearing those little grey school shorts my Mummy used to make me wear in Junior School and even through the first two years of secondary school - with f**king SANDALS the evil woman...
...I BELIEVE AND I AM WEARING MY BIG BOY PANTS!"
I took a breath.
"Finally my good Sir, you might want to break out of bespoke land and find a trusted partner to manufacture a whole bunch of these, because there's going to be a steady flow of folk from N17 who want to wear their BIG BOY PANTS and YOU can be the supplier!'
The tailor looked at me and smiled.
"I'm not entirely sure you had to be QUITE so long-winded Sir [at this point, an internet forum roared their agreement], however let me say that I admire the passion, I admire the belief, I respect the logic, and am delighted to take on the project...new pants, BIG BOY PANTS, penetrating self-doubt and showing a HARD conviction? Do you WANT IT? DO YOU? OOOOOOH, SUITS YOU SIR, SUITS YOU!"
(Thanks to all who suffered through this, don't blame me, blame me...for those who don't know the reference to 'suits you' look up The Fast Show and 'suits you Sir'. It won't make it any better, but at least there'll be some explanation?)
...
Kinsky
Porro JPVH MVDV Udogie
Fernandes Tonali
Kudus Marmoush Savio
Solanke
Subs: Dubravka, Robertson, Bentancur, Gray, Tel, Tosin, Gallagher, Richy, Senesi
I walked in, determined and resolute.
"Can I get some service - britches?!"
"Excuse me you rude individual, how DARE you throw that 'B' word around here!"
"What?...no, not 'bitches', BRITCHES, as in an attractive, well-tailored pair of BIG BOY PANTS which I want to wear with immediate effect!"
"Ahhhhhh, a brand-new pair of supremely crafted britches, trousers, or BIG BOY PANTS as we shall now refer to them, well most certainly Sir, we can entertain that request. Might I enquire as to the nature of reasoning behind your purchase, and how we should design them?"
"I support Tottenham Hotspur FC, and honestly, the past couple of years has seen me wildly ranging from care-free ripped denim cut-off shorts to trackkies to bland wool-blend C&A single-pleat 'normals' to at times (frankly) being so fraught I stepped out into the fu-cking street in nothing but my underpants! It has at times been so bad, I have had nightmares where I am at away games in my f**king SCHOOL SHORTS with everyone laughing at me! I considered a kilt for a while so as when people mocked us, I could turn around and in crude juvenile fashion, show them my arse! I mean, I'd have settled on ANY of those as 'regular wear' but we had no real aim, direction or implied clue as to WTF we were doing! And when we got close, when I actually thought I'd be proudly wearing high-waisted Melnourne Safari pants, well, I ended up feebly wearing a pair of light grey Mads Nørgaard slacks FF-fudging-SAKE!!!!!!!
"But now I'm ready to stop, stand, and be counted. As a club, we have taken a direction. We have chosen to support our manager. We have spent more money getting him players then I thought possible, and sold more players than I can remember in a window to give him the environment he wants and keep our books reasonable. We have been unafraid in the transfer market. Jesus, even 3rd choice signings are names the manager has had on his list! The boardroom appears to be trying very hard to be both honest and transparent. The entire club appears to be trying to remain upwards and consistent. Did we get everything we wanted? Impossible. But we got a lot of it, a lot of good stuff done. And now the transfer window has actually closed, I can see EXACTLY what we've got squad-wise, I can see EXACTLY what players we have, and I can finally get on with the job of supporting the club distraction-free (as can the club get on with the job of becoming the Tottenham Hotspur we all want us to be)."
"Poetic Sir, most poetic, however haven't you gone and done what you always do as a club, signed a couple of dodgy cheapos at the end, and failed to get your top priority left-winger? And haven't you lost your first two games of the season with 5 goals conceded and none scored?"
I smiled and sighed. How typical. A surface reaction.
"Here's the thing. Narratives are all the rage these days my good man. Every week is an opportunity to create a crisis. The internet loves a crisis. Everything is a crisis, the more the better. AND nothing is ever enough! Got yourself a Tag Heuer? Well it isn't a Panerei is it! Driving a Porsche 911-S after years in an Audi? Well it isn't an Aston Martin so WTF!!!! I mean, we signed a left-winger for 75 million, yet that's forgotten. We lost a noble defender who wanted more regular football and managed to replace him with a player the manager wanted in the last few days of the transfer window? Crikey. We spent over 150 million upgrading our midfield, and we got ourselves. 60 million multi-positional creative striker too! IN ONE WINDOW! And this is to say NOTHING of the players we moved on, a couple of whom I was sad to see leave, while accepting that is the price of doing things properly...yet STILL there is a sense of unease among some supporters. Oh I understand, I do, there's PTSD and a dash of fear from recent past near-disasters...but this is DIFFERENT. We HAVE a plan, we ARE acting, and we NEED to believe IMO because everyone IS doing their best at THFC to get this club firing in not just the right direction, but with a style we will love.
"It will take time, it will take patience, but I BELIEVE it will all click sooner than later, and to further celebrate this self-realisation, I have realised I need a brand new pair of BIG BOY PANTS, sleek and adventurous, yet sturdy and authoritative. The sort of pants which say 'Don't even TRY your mewlling whiney whiney flimflam around me because I ain't got the motherfudging TIME for such uncertainty and drama...I am SICK of not knowing what trousers to wear, I am SICK of feeling like I'd be best off wearing those little grey school shorts my Mummy used to make me wear in Junior School and even through the first two years of secondary school - with f**king SANDALS the evil woman...
...I BELIEVE AND I AM WEARING MY BIG BOY PANTS!"
I took a breath.
"Finally my good Sir, you might want to break out of bespoke land and find a trusted partner to manufacture a whole bunch of these, because there's going to be a steady flow of folk from N17 who want to wear their BIG BOY PANTS and YOU can be the supplier!'
The tailor looked at me and smiled.
"I'm not entirely sure you had to be QUITE so long-winded Sir [at this point, an internet forum roared their agreement], however let me say that I admire the passion, I admire the belief, I respect the logic, and am delighted to take on the project...new pants, BIG BOY PANTS, penetrating self-doubt and showing a HARD conviction? Do you WANT IT? DO YOU? OOOOOOH, SUITS YOU SIR, SUITS YOU!"
(Thanks to all who suffered through this, don't blame me, blame me...for those who don't know the reference to 'suits you' look up The Fast Show and 'suits you Sir'. It won't make it any better, but at least there'll be some explanation?)
...
Kinsky
Porro JPVH MVDV Udogie
Fernandes Tonali
Kudus Marmoush Savio
Solanke
Subs: Dubravka, Robertson, Bentancur, Gray, Tel, Tosin, Gallagher, Richy, Senesi
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