I have just read this thread from start to finish and the support on here is incredible. I am a bit of a lurker, I post occasionally but I've visited most days for the last 5 or 6 years.
I too suffer with depression and anxiety, thankfully I have never wanted to harm myself in any way, however I do go through highs and lows - and the lows are just horrible. I have spent a lot of time on CBT (which helped give me tools to help myself) and with a private counsellor (which helped me understand how the mind works and gave me an insight into myself). My depression has nearly cost me my marriage on more than one occasion - my feeling of low self worth forces me to hit a kind of personal self destruct button. Luckily my wife recognises the triggers now and is able to help me before it gets that bad. I often don't realise myself, and by the time I do, I don't care.
Its a constant battle. Depression is always there. At first I hated it.....then I came to realise that it is part of me and I now accept it. It is what makes me who I am, both the good and the bad. I am now very self aware, if I feel myself "falling" I do my best to go for a run /ride /swim, or speak to my wife or others in my support network. One of biggest triggers is work, I work for myself. If work is slow, within about 15 seconds I can convince myself that in 2 weeks I'll be homeless! Totally irrational I know, but at that moment in time completely possible.
Like a lot of the posters on here exercise helps me. I use it as therapy and in the last couple of years I have completed several Triathlons, including a half-iron distance and a half marathon. As an athlete I am rubbish, but for me it is a case of me completing an event, pushing back against the negativity in my mind telling me I cannot do it and proving I can. When I decided to give Triathlon a go, I couldn't swim - that felt like a massive achievement in itself.
Talking about it helps.....and thanks for taking the time to read my musings.
To those of you one here that are suffering.....you are not alone, and there are lots of us that understand and would be willing to listen. Sometimes that is all you need, someone to listen and someone that understands.