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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.

Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
...
Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively

"I would like it infrequently" she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment ...

adjusted his glasses , and leaned over towards her and whispered

"Excuse me but is that one word or two?"..........
 
*sick joke warning* :special:



The FA are thinking of appointing Kate McCann as the new England manager.

I don't blame them to be honest, she's got a cracking record, only lost one in Europe
 
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'
The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside t...hem is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they are interchangeable'
 
Note Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:

My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn... Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

PS: As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
 
Just got 15 Valentines cards! It's left me completely breathless.

That security guard at Clintons gave quite a chase!

******************************************************

Valentines day is just a massive hassle:

1. Remember to text my girlfriend a big lovey dovey message at the start of the day.
2. Remember to buy her a card in my lunch break.
3. Buy her some more crap in the rush hour after work before I meet her.
4. Take her to a fancy restaurant and pay for a pointlessly expensive meal.
5. Take her back to her place and give her some gentle, passionate love when all I want to do is excessively fudge the brick out of her.

And I have to do all this then drive home without my wife finding out.

*********************************************************

To all my beautiful friends, Happy Valentines Day!!!

.....And to all my fat, ugly ones, cheer the fudge up, it's pancake day next week.

*******************************************************

An ugly girl approached me where I sat alone and she gave me a big smile.

'Single?' I asked.

'Yes,' she smiled. 'How did you guess?'

'Because you use this bus every fudging day. ?ú1.80 please,' I said, handing her the ticket.

*****************************************************

I bought my mate a fridge for his birthday.

You should have seen his face light up when he opened it!

******************************************************

What's the difference between Glasgow Rangers and my wife?

My wife didn't get fudged on Valentine's Day.

**********************************************************

I had to defrost the fridge last night before bed.

Or foreplay, as she calls it.
 
Seamus and his wife are having hard financial times , so they decide
that she'll sell herself for sex !

She is not quite sure what to do , so Seamus says : " Stand in front of
that bar and pick a guy.
...
Tell him it costs 100 euro. If you've got a question , I'll be parked
around the corner."

A guy pulls up and asks : " How much ?"

She says : " 100 euro''

He says : " All I've got is 30 euro "

She says : " Hold on "

She runs back to Seamus and says : " What can he get for 30 euro?"

Seamus says : " A hand job. "

She runs back and tells the guy.

He says OK.

She gets into the car , he unzips his pants and out pops a simply Huge
male organ !

She stares for a minute and then says , " I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly : "Seamus..

Can't you borrow this guy 70 euros?"
 
  • [h=6][FONT=Arial, sans-serif]I didn't know this about cows from Wales.

    ...
    The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.

    The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.

    They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful,
    produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

    They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so
    they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

    They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever
    the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

    No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move
    away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

    The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who
    was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.

    "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
    If he approaches from the back, she moves forward", they said.

    "When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
    If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side".

    "The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,

    "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?"

    The people were dumbfounded, since no one had mentioned
    that they had brought the cow over from Wales.

    "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

    "How did you know we got the cow from Wales?"

    The Vet replied with a wistful look in his eye,
    "My wife is from Wales."    [/FONT][/h]
 
I've just come out of the chippy with a meat and potato pie, large chips,
mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've
not eaten for two days'. I told him 'I wish I had your fudging will power'

A woman buys a wall mirror from B & Q. The Manager asks 'would you like a
screw for that mirror?'. No she said 'but I'll suck your **** for a lawn
mower'.

Top tip; if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the
next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her
flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex...........Wish
me luck in court next Monday.

I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today. Apparently the
instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.

A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time. She said 'Sorry about
the wait'. I replied 'Don't worry you fat bitch, you'll lose it eventually'

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts. Murphy meets him
& asks 'If I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have
one? Paddy said 'If you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can
have both of them'. Murphy shouts 'Four!'

Marriage counsellor to a couple who are contemplating divorce. 'Tell me
something both of you have in common'. Husband after a long awkward
silence 'Well neither of us sucks ****'.

Snow he! The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I
thought to myself 'She'll be lucky with a face like that!'

I have a new chat up line that works Everytime!! It doesn't matter how
gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I
always end up in bed with them ... Here's how it goes 'Excuse me love,
could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to
you?'

Years ago it was suggested 'that an apple a day kept the doctor away'. But
since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich
works a treat!

The local mosque is having a bonfire tonight but keep it a secret ... they
don't know about it yet!

My girlfriend says the hardest thing in the world is to balance a career
and a family. She's obviously never tried to balance a laptop on her knees
while having a toss.


5000 men surveyed were asked why they like bl*wjobs:
1% liked the warmth 2% liked the sensation 3% liked the eroticism 94% just
liked the peace and quiet.

I was having great sex today when just as we got towards the climax my wife
completely ruined the moment and said those words that just fills a man's
heart with fear dread & panic ... "Hi Honey I'm home".
 
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.
One is a retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
... The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.. This is
one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be
good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip
and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl
and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws
open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body..
The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and
starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss
her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a
display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and
asks, "Can you top that?"
The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."
 
A mother and her 5-year-old son were flying British Airways from Glasgow to London
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked,
'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
...
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant

So the little guy walks up to the galley and asks the flight attendant,' If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did yer maw tell you to ask me that?"

The boy said, "Yes, she did.

"Well, then, please tell your maw that there are nae baby planes coz BA always pulls out on time. And ask her explain that to you." :)
 
* My father fought in World War I single-handedly destroyed the Germans' lines of communication. He ate their pigeon.

* Paddy calls a wrong number at 3am. "Is that O'Malley's Bar?" he asks. "No it's not, this is a private residence." "Oh, I must have the wrong number. Sorry to have troubled you," says Paddy. "Ah it's no trouble," says the stranger. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

* A fella walks into a pet shop and says: “Give me a wasp.” The shopkeeper replies: “We don’t sell wasps.” He says: “There’s one in the window.”

* Someone threw a petrol bomb at Alex Higgins once. He drank it.

* A man goes into Boots and says: “Have you got Viagra?” “Do you have a prescription?” asks the chemist. “No,” he replies, “But I’ve got a photograph of the wife...”

* A fella walked into hospital and the doctor said: “You’ve got three minutes to live.” The man said: “Can you do something for me?” “Yes,” he said. “I’ll boil you an egg.”

* I don't think my wife likes me very much. When I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

* A fella said to the doctor: “What’s the good news?” “You’ve got 24 hours to live.” He says: “What’s the bad news?” And the doc says: “We should have told you yesterday.”

* I rang British Telecom. I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said: "Not you again.”

* My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

* My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

* An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband demanded to know who the other man was.

* Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
 
A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was ...wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.
She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"
He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."
 
A brilliant young boy was applying for a job with the railways. The interviewer asked him: "Do you know how to use the equipment?" "Yes", the boy replied. "Then what would you do if you realized that 2 trains, one from this station and one from the next were going to crash because they were on the same track?" The young applicant thought and replied "I'd press the button to change the points witho...ut hesitation." "What if the button was frozen and wouldn't work?" "I'd run outside and pull the lever to change the points manually" "And if the lever was broken?" "I'd get on the phone to the next station and tell them to change the points," he replied. "And if the phone was broken and needed an electrician to fix it?" The boy thought about that one. "I'd run into town and get my uncle" "Is your uncle an electrician?" "No, but he's never seen a train crash before!"
 
While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a Woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'
To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum Stretcher?
And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'
'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'
'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot arsehole?' he asked
'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'
 
The Native American Chief steps out of his Teepee with a new baby in his arms and says "For the tribe I name this new baby Eagle Soaring"

A little Brave steps up and asks "Tell me Chief how you go about naming the new babies"

The Chief Says "It is very easy today when I left the Teepee I saw an eagle fly overhead so simple its Eagle Soaring, Yesterday I saw buffalo on the horizon so the baby was called Buffalo Running, why do you ask Two Dogs fudging."
 
[h=6]Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years.
His Glasses were smashed, broken wrist,twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she stood him up.[/h]
 
Sophie asks her dad "Why was it when Rover died we found him in the garden with his feet up in the air"

Dad thinks fo a moment then says "Lying like that makes it much easier for GHod to come on down grab hold of Rovers paws and whip him off to doggy heaven"

"Oh" says Sophie "We nearly lost mum last week she was lying on her back with her feet in the air shouting Jesus i'm coming and if the Postman was'nt holding her down she would have been gone"
 
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