At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke -6ft 5in tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the queer fella finally picks up the courage to say something to the big scouser. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear:'Do you want a blow job?' he whispers. At this, the massive Mersysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing has happened. Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. 'I've never seen you react like that' he says. 'Just what did he say to you?' 'I'm not sure' the big scouser replies. 'Something about a job
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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)
- Thread starter Roy1983
- Start date
One day, the seven dwarfs are coming home after a hard days work. As they approach the house, they hear some sounds coming from the garden. Their curiosity aroused, they standon each others shoulders until, finally, one of them can see over the garden wall. The dwarf at the top sees Snow White and the prince sitting and talking in the garden. He says to the dwarf whos shoulder he is standing on, "Snow White is with the Prince."This in turn gets passed down, dwarf to dwarf, "Snow White is with the Prince." "Snow White is with the Prince." "Snow White is with the Prince." "Snow White is....." (and so on)until it has reached all the dwarfs. Then the dwarf at the top says: "They're kissing." Again the chain starts: "They're kissing." "They're kissing." "They're kissing." "They're ......." "He's taking off her clothes." "He's taking off her clothes." "He's taking off her clothes." "He's taking off............" "They're both nude now." "They're both nude now." "They're both nude now." "They're both........." "He's about to enter her." "He's about to enter her." "He's about to enter her." "He's about to.........." At this point Snow White hears a sound near the wall and she gets up to investigate. The dwarf at the top sees this and says, "She's Coming." "So am I." "So am I." "So am I." "So amI." "So am I." "So am I."
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
...
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed importantnews! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the ****pit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fudging way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
...
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed importantnews! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the ****pit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no fudging way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.'
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dingdong or a good memory. I do not remember what I chose.
...
?À Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
?À A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
?À Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings'
?À There are only two four-letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
?À Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
?À There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
?À Virginity can be cured.
?À Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
?À Having sex is like playing bridge. If you do not have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
?À I tried phone sex once but the holes in the dialer were too small.
?À Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
?À Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
?À A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
?À Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife does not.
?À Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts do not have eyes.
?À Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
...
?À Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
?À A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
?À Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings'
?À There are only two four-letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
?À Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
?À There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
?À Virginity can be cured.
?À Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
?À Having sex is like playing bridge. If you do not have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
?À I tried phone sex once but the holes in the dialer were too small.
?À Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
?À Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!
?À A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.
?À Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife does not.
?À Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts do not have eyes.
?À Q: What is an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
thfcsteff
George Hunt
Quality!
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any Old clothing. I said Yes but what would I get in return.
She said I could play with her breasts. I thought…That’s Fair….Tit for Tat.
-----------------------------------------------
I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.
Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.
---------------------------------------------------------------
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she
killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.
---------------------------------------------------
Just said to the missus…”Hey fatso.........what do you want for Valentines?
Day” She said “Don’t get lippy”
I said “Mascara it is then!”
--------------------------------------------------
I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!. I panicked. I didn’t know what to do…Then I remembered
Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.
-------------------------------------------
----------------------------------
You won’t hear from me for a while. I'm being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables……..
I gotta lilo.
----------------------------------------------------------------
News just in….There’s a female ref for the Liverpool match.
The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.
-----------------------------------------------
Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, says on the envelope DO NOT BEND.
He’s still wondering how to pick it up!
She said I could play with her breasts. I thought…That’s Fair….Tit for Tat.
-----------------------------------------------
I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body.
Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.
---------------------------------------------------------------
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough….once she
killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.
---------------------------------------------------
Just said to the missus…”Hey fatso.........what do you want for Valentines?
Day” She said “Don’t get lippy”
I said “Mascara it is then!”
--------------------------------------------------
I woke up this morning at 8 and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!. I panicked. I didn’t know what to do…Then I remembered
Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.
-------------------------------------------
----------------------------------
You won’t hear from me for a while. I'm being investigated for stealing swimming pool inflatables……..
I gotta lilo.
----------------------------------------------------------------
News just in….There’s a female ref for the Liverpool match.
The kick off has been put back an hour so she can park her car.
-----------------------------------------------
Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, says on the envelope DO NOT BEND.
He’s still wondering how to pick it up!
papaspur
Kasey Keller
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance:
1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left. Now, look again, It now says: HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
1. A dog 2. A donkey 3. A shovel 4. A fish 5. A Star of David
They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols.
They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that they had a famine that hit the earth whereby the food didn't grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews."
The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, "I'm glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations."
Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, "I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don't read from left to right, but from right to left. Now, look again, It now says: HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH!"
markysimmo
Johnny nice-tits
John Terry wont be facing trial for racial abuse until after 2012
He's now free to lead his country into Poland
Just like his hero did
He's now free to lead his country into Poland
Just like his hero did
:ross:
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
Coming back from another recent EC summit in Rome, various European leaders were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss ATC controllers; sitting together in the same compartment, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were Sarkozy, Cameron, Merkel and the young and very attractive female Irish foreign minister.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of ...a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Sarkozy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks, everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed.
Angela Merkel thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have groped the Irish girl in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled Merkel and she slapped his cheek.
Sarkozy thinks: Why me? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish girl in the dark knowing that I'd get the blame for it and she slapped me... the English bastard.
And Cameron thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that little French brick again.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of ...a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Sarkozy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks, everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed.
Angela Merkel thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have groped the Irish girl in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled Merkel and she slapped his cheek.
Sarkozy thinks: Why me? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish girl in the dark knowing that I'd get the blame for it and she slapped me... the English bastard.
And Cameron thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that little French brick again.
papaspur
Kasey Keller
:ross:
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
[h=6]My wife and I walked past a stossy new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "Bugger it, I'll treat her"
So we walked past it again.[/h]
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "Bugger it, I'll treat her"
So we walked past it again.[/h]
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
[h=6]I got fired on my first day as a taxi driver today.
Apparently "Go to wheelchair-bound Mrs Smith's house and take her up the bingo", doesn't mean what I thought it did.
..........................
A young boy was sat in class scratching his crotch. Teacher asked him what was wrong. The boy was embarrased explaining that he had recently been
circumcised and it was itchy. Teacher tells him to go to the office to ring his mum for advice. The boy comes back into class with his **** hanging out!
'What on earth are you doing.?' asks
the teacher. Boy replies, 'My mum said if I could stick it out till lunchtime she'd come and get me'.
[/h]
Apparently "Go to wheelchair-bound Mrs Smith's house and take her up the bingo", doesn't mean what I thought it did.
..........................
A young boy was sat in class scratching his crotch. Teacher asked him what was wrong. The boy was embarrased explaining that he had recently been
circumcised and it was itchy. Teacher tells him to go to the office to ring his mum for advice. The boy comes back into class with his **** hanging out!
'What on earth are you doing.?' asks
the teacher. Boy replies, 'My mum said if I could stick it out till lunchtime she'd come and get me'.
[/h]
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
FREE BEER
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your 5th drink after you buy 4."
...
"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.
He swears every word is true.
"Well" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"No, not me personally," said the Irishman.
"But it did happen to my sister
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your 5th drink after you buy 4."
...
"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."
"Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.
He swears every word is true.
"Well" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"No, not me personally," said the Irishman.
"But it did happen to my sister
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
A Melbourne radio station conducted a phone-in competition to find the most embarrassing public moment in a listener’s life. Here are the final four...
4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy & started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust & annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn’t start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye & said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy’s Willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity & walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t make time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend & I were frozen on the spot in a state of shocked embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.
2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally Got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for Tampax supersize.'
But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks' & replied in a business like tone, his voice booming back over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you knock in with a hammer?
...& the winner is... 1st Place.
This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand & asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that’s correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books & without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor’s reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue & not in the back of your throat'.
4th Place
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy & started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust & annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn’t start behaving herself, right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye & said in a voice just as threatening, 'If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma I saw you kissing Daddy’s Willie last night.' After this enlightening exchange, the silence was deafening. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered the last of my dignity & walked out of the bank, with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard as the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
3rd Place
It was the day before my 18th birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride down to the phone. Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t make time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on as a whole crowd of people yelled 'SURPRISE'. My entire family parents, grand parents, aunts, uncles, cousins as well as my friends, were standing there. My girlfriend & I were frozen on the spot in a state of shocked embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned any surprise parties.
2nd Place
A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally Got up to the checkout, she learned that one of the items had no price tag. The checkout girl got on the public address system, which boomed out across the store for everyone to hear, 'Price check for Tampax supersize.'
But it got worse. Someone at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood word 'Tampax' for 'Thumbtacks' & replied in a business like tone, his voice booming back over the same public address system: 'Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb or the kind one you knock in with a hammer?
...& the winner is... 1st Place.
This happened at a major Australian University, during a biology lecture. A professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young woman raised her hand & asked, 'If I understand you correctly, you are saying there is as much glucose in male semen as in sugar?' The professor responded, yes, that’s correct adding some statistical data. Raising her hand again, the girl asked, 'Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?' After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl turned bright red as she realised exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books & without another word, walked out of the class. However, as she was heading for the door, the professor’s reply was a classic. Totally straight faced, he answered her question. 'It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue & not in the back of your throat'.