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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)
- Thread starter Roy1983
- Start date
thfcsteff
Garth Crooks
\o/
thfcsteff
Garth Crooks
\o/
thfcsteff
Garth Crooks
\o/\o/\o/
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......
my wife manages to get on every fudging one of them.
————————————————————————————
I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
They're brilliant...
It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex…
————————————————————————————
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.
I was so shocked I almost tripped over my dingdong
————————————————————————————
I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new
doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional –
I've seen it all before.
Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, “My wife thinks that my dingdong tastes funny”
————————————————————————————
I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming
that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……
————————————————————————————
A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells,
“Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our fudging wedding video”
————————————————————————————
Life is like a penis.....
Soft and hanging freely....
It’s women that make it hard.
————————————————————————————
I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”
“Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad”
That fudging spider never knew what hit it.
———————————————————————–
I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform
but she says she doesn't like it.
She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.
my wife manages to get on every fudging one of them.
————————————————————————————
I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom.
They're brilliant...
It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex…
————————————————————————————
My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate.
I was so shocked I almost tripped over my dingdong
————————————————————————————
I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new
doctor is young female and drop dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional –
I've seen it all before.
Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out.
I said, “My wife thinks that my dingdong tastes funny”
————————————————————————————
I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming
that she loves anal.
Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend……
————————————————————————————
A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells,
“Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our fudging wedding video”
————————————————————————————
Life is like a penis.....
Soft and hanging freely....
It’s women that make it hard.
————————————————————————————
I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper”
“Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad”
That fudging spider never knew what hit it.
———————————————————————–
I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform
but she says she doesn't like it.
She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.
mick cooper
Neil Sullivan
I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Arsenal win the premier league."
"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Arsenal win the premier league."
"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
---
Tinnitus helpline answering machine: "Please leave your message after the beep."
The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"
"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."
---
Tinnitus helpline answering machine: "Please leave your message after the beep."
philspursuk
Sean Davis
This story happened a while ago near Kells, County Meath, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitch**** tale... it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
Look frank... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Reilly, a Cavan man studying in UCD, was on the side of the road hitchhiking back to Dublin on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door... only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly.
John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.
Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling
everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying... and wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Reilly sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...
Look frank... there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!
inkpenspur
Allan Nielsen
A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun and shouts "who's been f****** my wife?"a voice in the back shouts " you don't have enough bullets".....
My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.
Scouser went to court accused of having intercourse with a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he'd never known a Scouser put anything into a kitty!
A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore ****. He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell **** cream?"
The shopkeeper replies " aye lad we do, does tha' want a Magnum or a Cornetto?"
My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help".
So I sent her a timetable.
I can't stop thinking about prisons ............................my mind works in strangeways.
I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it?. Does he hell!
Having an Irish mixed grill !! New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, waffles and hash browns with chips.
Congratulations you have won either £1000 cash or tickets to see Elvis Presley.
Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.......
My wife just asked me if her appendix scar made her look unattractive.
Apparently the response of "don't worry babe, your tits cover it" wasn't the answer she was looking for.
Scouser went to court accused of having intercourse with a cat. The judge dismissed the case saying that in his 30 years as a judge he'd never known a Scouser put anything into a kitty!
A bloke from Barnsley wakes up with a sore ****. He goes to the shop and says to the shopkeeper "nah then, does tha' sell **** cream?"
The shopkeeper replies " aye lad we do, does tha' want a Magnum or a Cornetto?"
My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help".
So I sent her a timetable.
I can't stop thinking about prisons ............................my mind works in strangeways.
I cannot stand people who think they're worse off than everybody else.
My mate Don is brilliant. He had a bad accident where he lost his voice and both legs. Does he make a song and dance about it?. Does he hell!
Having an Irish mixed grill !! New potatoes, roast potatoes, boiled potatoes, mashed potatoes, waffles and hash browns with chips.
Congratulations you have won either £1000 cash or tickets to see Elvis Presley.
Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.......
thfcsteff
Garth Crooks
thfcsteff
Garth Crooks
Quality!
Papercut
Jermaine Jenas
Teachers & Cops:
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In GHod we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In GHod we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."
inkpenspur
Allan Nielsen
Two birds sitting on a perch. The first turns to the second, "Can you smell fish?" he says
Someone in the Pub asked me if i had any idea how our parents used to entertain themselves in the old days before T.V. was popular and affordable.
I said I had no idea and when I asked my 38 brothers and sisters they had no idea either.
My girl friend said "Thats it, I am leaving you, you lie ,you steal money if I leave it on the table and lately you have been in and out of jail a lot so I have packed my bags and I am off."
I said, Come on Love don’t you think that you are taking this game of Monopoly a bit to serious?.
Went for an interview as a blacksmith and the man said "Have you ever shooed a horse before?"
I said "Well no but I once sat on the beach at Blackpool eating a sandwich and I told a donkey to sod off".
Wife by text to husband at work ............
"Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"
Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"
Wife a few minutes later - "Done that - now the computer won't work at all"!
A Pharmacist arrived at his store to find a man leaning heavily against the wall. He said to his blonde clerk "What's with that chap over there by the wall?"
His blonde clerk replied;: "He came in a few minutes ago, desperate to take something for his cough.... We're completely out of cough syrup , so I advised he take a bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist retorts; "You idiot!... You can't treat a cough with a Laxative!"
His blonde clerk indignantly replied; "Of course you can!... Look at him,.... he's afraid to cough!”
My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly , do I look fat in this". I replied, " Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom.
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?'
The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’.
She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big bangers who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
Yep.. that’ll cover it..
Someone in the Pub asked me if i had any idea how our parents used to entertain themselves in the old days before T.V. was popular and affordable.
I said I had no idea and when I asked my 38 brothers and sisters they had no idea either.
My girl friend said "Thats it, I am leaving you, you lie ,you steal money if I leave it on the table and lately you have been in and out of jail a lot so I have packed my bags and I am off."
I said, Come on Love don’t you think that you are taking this game of Monopoly a bit to serious?.
Went for an interview as a blacksmith and the man said "Have you ever shooed a horse before?"
I said "Well no but I once sat on the beach at Blackpool eating a sandwich and I told a donkey to sod off".
Wife by text to husband at work ............
"Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"
Husband - "spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"
Wife a few minutes later - "Done that - now the computer won't work at all"!
A Pharmacist arrived at his store to find a man leaning heavily against the wall. He said to his blonde clerk "What's with that chap over there by the wall?"
His blonde clerk replied;: "He came in a few minutes ago, desperate to take something for his cough.... We're completely out of cough syrup , so I advised he take a bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist retorts; "You idiot!... You can't treat a cough with a Laxative!"
His blonde clerk indignantly replied; "Of course you can!... Look at him,.... he's afraid to cough!”
My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting ready to go out when finally the door swung open and she said, "Honestly , do I look fat in this". I replied, " Yes love, but to be fair, it's only a small bathroom.
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked laddie?'
The man broke into a big smile and said, ‘no’.
She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in.'
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big bangers who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
Yep.. that’ll cover it..
Last edited:
inkpenspur
Allan Nielsen
How the military deal with snakes;
Infantry: Tracks Snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.
Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.
Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.
Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective: to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.
Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.
Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller “Python Two Zero”.
Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.
Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.
TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.
RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet, can’t find snake so drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.
Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.
Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year Study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M. generating massive workload at grade I staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% Output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.
Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for billion.
Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.
Infantry: Tracks Snake through jungle. Snake smells them and quickly leaves area, travelling upwind.
Parachute Regiment: Lands on and kills snake.
Armour: Runs over snake, laughs and looks for more snakes.
Cavalry: Treats snake with haughty disdain as having no impact on primary objective: to hold London against Roundheads at all costs.
Royal Marine Commando: Plays with snake, gets smashed with snake. Eats snake
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares tactical plan for fixing snake using counter-mobility assets and defeating snake using mobility assets. Chain of command pays no attention. Snake falls into hole dug by infantry and drowns.
Artillery: Fires 3 hour concentrated barrage. Misses snake. Tree blown up by stray round falls on snake and kills it. Mission declared successful and all participants awarded gallantry medals.
Special Forces: Makes contact with snake and, ignoring Foreign Office directives, builds rapport with snake and starts winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files massive expenses claim. Writes best-seller “Python Two Zero”.
Army Medical Services: Snake dies by mistake on operating table. Dissects snake.
Royal Navy: Fires 183 missiles from 17 ships. Estimates 60% of snake killed. Makes PowerPoint presentation to MoD Select Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost effective means of conducting anti-snake operations.
TA: Kills snake by accident on weekend camp. Keeps quiet about it.
RAF: Obtains geo-co-ordinates for snake. Alerts 40 Jaguars, 20 Harriers, and RAF Regiment. Loads laser-guided bombs by mistake. Flies in at 20,000 feet, can’t find snake so drops bombs in sea on way home. Returns to base for crew rest, dry-cleaning collection, facial and manicure.
Intelligence Corps: Snake? What snake? Only 4 of 35 indicators of snake presence currently active. Assesses potential for snake activity as low. Dies of snake-bite.
Defence Logistic Organisation: Orders 2 year Study by Anderson Consultants at cost of £1.5M. generating massive workload at grade I staff level. Report finds that killing snake may contribute to 20% Output costing savings by inclusion of snake meat in tri-Service messing. Snake Meat Implementation Team formed, with 2-star tri-Service steering group. Aim to introduce snake meat into all messes and ration packs by 2002. Snake experts from Special Forces and Ghurkhas do not know what they are talking about. High profile £2M PR campaign launched featuring celebrity chef Ainsley Harriott and retired 4-star officers keen to supplement their excessive pensions. Snake meat launched in Service messes and restaurants to resounding clamour of apathy. Desperate to recoup lost money, Army demolishes 300 married quarters and sells snake meat holdings to Indian and Canadian Armed Forces.
Defence Procurement Agency: Decide they want to buy a Snake. Offer ambiguous contract out for tender. Contract states that an eel will be supplied as Government Furnished Equipment and must be modified to meet the performance characteristics of a snake as laid out in the aforementioned ambiguous contract. 6 years late and 3 billion pounds over budget, the project is scrapped and a COTS snake is bought from the USA for billion.
Adjutant General: Determines that the snake is not black, female, homosexual or disabled. Loses interest.