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The Kids Are Alright AKA The Parents’ Thread

tommysvr said:
How have you managed it with your kids? I don't have kids but I am 'tech savvy' (I'm a web developer). All the brick in the world out there waiting for them, to mess with their developing brains makes me feel like I would be a complete dictator with it. But locking them away is logically also not the correct way to do it.
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I have not managed it well enough is how I feel about it. I have a ban on a few of the worst apps for the two younger kids and I was strict on hours at the start, but even with that I am a long way from the balance I would really like to strike. Honestly, I think I've failed on this front.
 
Rorschach said:
I have not managed it well enough is how I feel about it. I have a ban on a few of the worst apps for the two younger kids and I was strict on hours at the start, but even with that I am a long way from the balance I would really like to strike. Honestly, I think I've failed on this front.
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I’m sorry you feel that way. I can only imagine how hard it is to police and walk the line between banning sources of harmful content vs equipping children with the knowledge and confidence to make positive decisions. I can see the argument for and against for both.

Ultimately, my feeling is we’re all swimming against a tide (tsunami?) in terms of the digitisation of society and big tech needs to do so much better here. Obviously, there is parental responsibility too, but it’s just not something we had exposure to in our (?) age. I’m 41.

I was discussing it with my wife the other night - three episodes into Adolescence - on just how and why things are so different now for kids. I think it’s that the intensity of friendships has ramped up through technology. When we went home from school, you weren’t in contact - for better or worse - with your friends until the next day. Now they’re constantly connected.

Anyway, try not to be too hard on yourself.
 
So… a few months in from starting this and happy to report our little girl is now six months old, largely happy - except nights! - and healthy.

Our four year old, on the other hand, we have some feelings about him mentally that we feel we should explore further.

My question is has anyone here had experience in autism diagnosis? People might not want to go into it in detail, but happy for you to slide into my DMs, so to speak, if it’s something you’re able to discuss.

I can elaborate if this gets any traction. Very, very simply, we’re just quite concerned how he deals with things not going the way he expects, leading to massive meltdowns almost daily and whether we’re able to support him at those times.
 
DaveT316 said:
So… a few months in from starting this and happy to report our little girl is now six months old, largely happy - except nights! - and healthy.

Our four year old, on the other hand, we have some feelings about him mentally that we feel we should explore further.

My question is has anyone here had experience in autism diagnosis? People might not want to go into it in detail, but happy for you to slide into my DMs, so to speak, if it’s something you’re able to discuss.

I can elaborate if this gets any traction. Very, very simply, we’re just quite concerned how he deals with things not going the way he expects, leading to massive meltdowns almost daily and whether we’re able to support him at those times.
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The sooner you can get it recognised one way or another the healthier it will be for all of you is my advice pal.

Good luck with it.
 
Rorschach said:
I have not managed it well enough is how I feel about it. I have a ban on a few of the worst apps for the two younger kids and I was strict on hours at the start, but even with that I am a long way from the balance I would really like to strike. Honestly, I think I've failed on this front.
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What do you consider the worst apps?

I got my 6 year old a tablet a few months ago and I regret it, I had visions of her playing Barbie games and watching some Netflix cartoons whilst I could get a little bit of peace or do jobs, cook, etc.… but whenever I see her on it she’s watching bloody YouTube and the idiot “like and subscribe” dross!
 
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Gazza Dazzla said:
What do you consider the worst apps?

I got my 6 year old a tablet a few months ago and I regret it, I had visions of her playing Barbie games and watching some Netflix cartoons whilst I could get a little bit of peace or do jobs, cook, etc.… but whenever I see her on it she’s watching bloody YouTube and the idiot “like and subscribe” dross!
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You can download the YouTube for kids or a setting I believe and restrict certain things etc.
 
DaveT316 said:
So… a few months in from starting this and happy to report our little girl is now six months old, largely happy - except nights! - and healthy.

Our four year old, on the other hand, we have some feelings about him mentally that we feel we should explore further.

My question is has anyone here had experience in autism diagnosis? People might not want to go into it in detail, but happy for you to slide into my DMs, so to speak, if it’s something you’re able to discuss.

I can elaborate if this gets any traction. Very, very simply, we’re just quite concerned how he deals with things not going the way he expects, leading to massive meltdowns almost daily and whether we’re able to support him at those times.
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I have no experience on this, but know people who do work in that field. So picked up some things over conversations

Is he having a melt down as he isn't getting his way, or that there is a transition that he just can't cope with?

If it's just a transition then start building up to when things will change. In 10 mins we will get dinner, in 5 mins.. in a min...

Or a visual time table could work where his day is planned out and then things shouldn't be a surprise to him.
 
DaveT316 said:
So… a few months in from starting this and happy to report our little girl is now six months old, largely happy - except nights! - and healthy.

Our four year old, on the other hand, we have some feelings about him mentally that we feel we should explore further.

My question is has anyone here had experience in autism diagnosis? People might not want to go into it in detail, but happy for you to slide into my DMs, so to speak, if it’s something you’re able to discuss.

I can elaborate if this gets any traction. Very, very simply, we’re just quite concerned how he deals with things not going the way he expects, leading to massive meltdowns almost daily and whether we’re able to support him at those times.
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Hi mate. I don't have kids but have been an uncle of autistic nieces for 15 years. So I know enough to be dangerous I guess based more than just theory. The experiences haven't always been fun for my sis and I've always tried to be there for her and the kids. I'm certainly no expert though.

Based on the neurodivergent behaviour I read in your post, it definitely sounds like it is worth investigating with professionals. As your son enters school, one of the teachers will be the assigned SENCO (Special Education Needs Coordinator). It is normally this role in the school that is a assigned asset to parents like yourself. They can help you understand symptoms and get you the access to the right resources. I would warn you though that this area in the education system isn't as developed as it needs to be. There are varied experiences.

I also don't want to be an 18 handicapper at golf telling you how to improve your swing, but it did occur to me that you might want to read up on areas like PDA (pathological demand avoidance). I have another friend who's daughter is being diagnosed with this and it is a 2 to 3 year process. She has shared a few similar stories as yourself of meltdowns through her daughters 4th and 5th years.
 
Gazza Dazzla said:
What do you consider the worst apps?

I got my 6 year old a tablet a few months ago and I regret it, I had visions of her playing Barbie games and watching some Netflix cartoons whilst I could get a little bit of peace or do jobs, cook, etc.… but whenever I see her on it she’s watching bloody YouTube and the idiot “like and subscribe” dross!
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Well, there are none particularly good. TikTok was one I said no to, but as you say, YouTube is really just as bad now. At 6 years old I would say you still have a chance to put the kibosh on as many as you can. I would recommend just taking the hit now and holding off as long as possible.

I was reading something the other week which showed a direct correlation between the introduction of smartphones and a drop in IQ among kids. Kids have more or less stopped reading books and substituted it with video shorts full of utter dross. This behaviour change has had a profound effect on how a child's mind develops.
 
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Rorschach said:
Well, there are none particularly good. TikTok was one I said no to, but as you say, YouTube is really just as bad now. At 6 years old I would say you still have a chance to put the kibosh on as many as you can. I would recommend just taking the hit now and holding off as long as you can.

I was reading something the other week, something which showed a direct correlation between the introduction of smartphones and a drop in IQ among kids. Kids have more or less stopped reading books and substituted it with video shorts full of utter dross. This behaviour change has had a profound effect on how a child's mind develops.
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Yep I think the tablet might go “missing” for a month or so…
 
DaveT316 said:
So… a few months in from starting this and happy to report our little girl is now six months old, largely happy - except nights! - and healthy.

Our four year old, on the other hand, we have some feelings about him mentally that we feel we should explore further.

My question is has anyone here had experience in autism diagnosis? People might not want to go into it in detail, but happy for you to slide into my DMs, so to speak, if it’s something you’re able to discuss.

I can elaborate if this gets any traction. Very, very simply, we’re just quite concerned how he deals with things not going the way he expects, leading to massive meltdowns almost daily and whether we’re able to support him at those times.
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It is excellent to start asking questions now and seek some sort of observation/guidance from his doctor. They won't give an immediate diagnosis (they can be loathe to do so at a young age). However they will certainly be able to confirm if he is on the spectrum. What you've described sounds like he does absolutely have some sort of 'processing' situation going on, so your instinct is leading you in the right direction. But there are many degrees and types of autism/neurodiovergency. What is equally important at this stage, is that you and your partner are aligned and on the same page with regards to realisations and expectations. And speaking with doctors, etc, can help you both understand the tools necessary to offer the support needed (our experience -our daughter is neurodivergent) is that often, there is a certain counter-intuitiveness involved with regards to what you think defines help and what they actually need in that moment. It can be very tough to manage natural expectations of child and self versus the reality of what is/is not possible in any given situation. Good luck but again, your instincts appear on point and I'd get as much info and support for him and yourselves as possible.
 
DaveT316 said:
So… a few months in from starting this and happy to report our little girl is now six months old, largely happy - except nights! - and healthy.

Our four year old, on the other hand, we have some feelings about him mentally that we feel we should explore further.

My question is has anyone here had experience in autism diagnosis? People might not want to go into it in detail, but happy for you to slide into my DMs, so to speak, if it’s something you’re able to discuss.

I can elaborate if this gets any traction. Very, very simply, we’re just quite concerned how he deals with things not going the way he expects, leading to massive meltdowns almost daily and whether we’re able to support him at those times.
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I'm a latecomer to this discussion, but I do have some experience on the matter.

Remember that when an autistic person goes into meltdown, there is nothing you can do to "fix it". The meltdown does not happen out of ill will, lack of common sense, or any paracetamol one may or may not have taken during conception.
It is a sensory overload, and a protection mode.
What you need to do is to be there, and provide the calm, the understanding, and the protection. Deal with the issues when calm, not while in meltdown. No autistic wants to have meltdown, but neither can they prevent them once the overload kicks in.

You're doing the right thing, because you posting this question shows that you seek information! Educate yourself, through -proper channels- ie. not "antivaxxers united" and anything vetted by RFK Jr, but preferrably by someone with education on the subject.

There are a few good sources on youtube, but be careful, it is a rabbit hole it can be hard to get out of.
@autismfromtheInside and @Auticate have been good for me, and there are others also. But as I said, be weary, the YouTube University can be a tricky place to navigate and remain sane... :)

And most important of all: Do seek help. Raising an autistic child can be a fulltime job, and it WILL take a toll on the parents. Seek relief and time-outs, to get your batteries charged! If YOU, who shall be the safety and comfort to the child who is melting down also melt down, there will be carnage, and nothing good comes from that. You need your strenghts and powers to do good!

And remember, autism is not a single diagnosis that is equal for all. It is a spectrum, from one end to the other. If you've met one autistic person, you've met just that, one autistic person. Not all of them.
In certain areas, the autistic brain functions way better than the neurotypical brain, and some can indeed call it a superpower. But in order to harness that power, they need to learn to accept and handle their condition in a society rigged for the neurotypical, not the divergent. And that is where you come in, by providing the safety, comfort and security required to be able to do that.
 
Junior19 said:
I'm a latecomer to this discussion, but I do have some experience on the matter.

Remember that when an autistic person goes into meltdown, there is nothing you can do to "fix it". The meltdown does not happen out of ill will, lack of common sense, or any paracetamol one may or may not have taken during conception.
It is a sensory overload, and a protection mode.
What you need to do is to be there, and provide the calm, the understanding, and the protection. Deal with the issues when calm, not while in meltdown. No autistic wants to have meltdown, but neither can they prevent them once the overload kicks in.

You're doing the right thing, because you posting this question shows that you seek information! Educate yourself, through -proper channels- ie. not "antivaxxers united" and anything vetted by RFK Jr, but preferrably by someone with education on the subject.

There are a few good sources on youtube, but be careful, it is a rabbit hole it can be hard to get out of.
@autismfromtheInside and @Auticate have been good for me, and there are others also. But as I said, be weary, the YouTube University can be a tricky place to navigate and remain sane... :)

And most important of all: Do seek help. Raising an autistic child can be a fulltime job, and it WILL take a toll on the parents. Seek relief and time-outs, to get your batteries charged! If YOU, who shall be the safety and comfort to the child who is melting down also melt down, there will be carnage, and nothing good comes from that. You need your strenghts and powers to do good!

And remember, autism is not a single diagnosis that is equal for all. It is a spectrum, from one end to the other. If you've met one autistic person, you've met just that, one autistic person. Not all of them.
In certain areas, the autistic brain functions way better than the neurotypical brain, and some can indeed call it a superpower. But in order to harness that power, they need to learn to accept and handle their condition in a society rigged for the neurotypical, not the divergent. And that is where you come in, by providing the safety, comfort and security required to be able to do that.
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Oh, and remember, one of the main triggers for many on the spectrum is transition. They thrive on routine, known and trusted procedures, and doing things in a pre-planned pattern.
Executive functions are often difficult.

While a neurotypical child can be given instructions on a level of "go and put on your clothes", and will do so with no problem whatsoever from the age of 5-6, or whatever, a child on the spectrum may require instructions on the level of:

First, put on this sock.
then put on this sock.
put on your trousers
Put on your t-shirt
Put on your jumper.

You have to lay it out in a much more detailed way.
 
Junior19 said:
Oh, and remember, one of the main triggers for many on the spectrum is transition. They thrive on routine, known and trusted procedures, and doing things in a pre-planned pattern.
Executive functions are often difficult.

While a neurotypical child can be given instructions on a level of "go and put on your clothes", and will do so with no problem whatsoever from the age of 5-6, or whatever, a child on the spectrum may require instructions on the level of:

First, put on this sock.
then put on this sock.
put on your trousers
Put on your t-shirt
Put on your jumper.

You have to lay it out in a much more detailed way.
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Such great posts. You clearly have practical experience and knowledge in this area. I can tell you get it.

What I've also noticed is that you then have other neurodiversity like PDA where that child's autonomy works differently to typical. You can't even tell them to do anything really like put on a sock. They feel invaded by just being told. You're almost better off giving them 2 options like "which sock shall we put on first?" and then it becomes their choice. I have a friend whose daughter has PDA.

My own niece has selective mutism and I had a few techniques to get her talking and smiling as a young kid alongside her mum, my sister. That condition is different again. She now isn't so controlled by SM and can hold great conversations. Love her to bits.

What I've noticed is that this entire area becomes like one big Venn diagram. So many of these kids have layered conditions. Both the examples I gave, these kids have autism to go with their PDA or SM. Just like the new term AuDHD where you have Autism and ADHD.
 
Muttley said:
Such great posts. You clearly have practical experience and knowledge in this area. I can tell you get it.

What I've also noticed is that you then have other neurodiversity like PDA where that child's autonomy works differently to typical. You can't even tell them to do anything really like put on a sock. They feel invaded by just being told. You're almost better off giving them 2 options like "which sock shall we put on first?" and then it becomes their choice. I have a friend whose daughter has PDA.

My own niece has selective mutism and I had a few techniques to get her talking and smiling as a young kid alongside her mum, my sister. That condition is different again. She now isn't so controlled by SM and can hold great conversations. Love her to bits.

What I've noticed is that this entire area becomes like one big Venn diagram. So many of these kids have layered conditions. Both the examples I gave, these kids have autism to go with their PDA or SM. Just like the new term AuDHD where you have Autism and ADHD.
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Yep, I've got one of those. :)
I can tell you one thing, it does not get boring, that's for sure.
(and to top it off, it is genetical and I suspect at least one of the diagnosis are mainly from my side of the gene-pool)
 
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