I stay here every week, that's not happening.'Manga, go down to the bar and buy 2 pints of super-sweet cider. Put one in your tummy and the other on your head. Shout Um Bongo and defecate on the carpet. Apologise, leave, then tell us what happened.
And I only drink cider if it comes straight from a farm in a petrol can and requires chewing (or thinning down with rum).