there's irony there for anyone who remembers what they were before wenger turned up
PETER COOK -
HIS ALTER EGO, CLIVE SPEAKS HIS MIND (Vox. I994)
As a lifelong Tottenham Hotspur supporter, Cook was duty-bound to
loathe Spurs ’ local rivals, Arsenal, considered by everyone apart from
their own fans, to be Britain’s most boring football team. Naturally,
Cook’s foul-mouthed alter ego, Clive, was also a Spurs fan, and so it
was only natural that Derek should support the Gunners.
Derek supports Arsenal and you can see it in his face - that drugged
zombie look that comes from substance abuse, genetic malfunction
or even the occasional visit to Highbury. It started off innocently
enough. His dad, Derek (no fudging imagination, these clams), was
an Arsenal fan and to placate his wife, Bo, took the then young
Derek junior to watch an Arsenal Ipswich match as a punishment
for wetting his bed. Fair enough, you might say, but Derek, being
a clam, became addicted to ninety minutes of boredom and began
to watch the Gunners on a regular basis. He even interrupted his
Saturday masturbation schedule on order to travel secretly to
North London from Chadwell Heath. There he watched George
Graham, Frank McLintock and nine other tossers stupefy
thousands of otherwise ordinary decent folk.
Naturally friends became concerned, and when he started going
to away games, and even reserve matches, a doctor was called in.
Professor Groake saw at once that this was an almost hopeless case.
The alternatives were powerful sedative medicines, the chemical
equivalent of watching an Arsenal game live or regular attendance
at AA (Arsenal Anonymous). These meetings are almost as dull as
an Arsenal game, but it does keep the sufferer away from that first
match which so often splits families, destroys careers, and leads to
physical and spiritual bankruptcy.
Derek, alas, has yet to reach his rock bottom. Even the 1993 Cup
Final and replay against Sheffield Wednesday did not convince him
that he was powerless over Arsenal. He cannot get it into his head
that Arsenal are responsible for all his troubles, and not only his.
Since their foundation in 1886, this insidious force has been
indirectly responsible for two world wars, famine, pestilence,
countless acts of mindless violence, and, if anyone believes that the
holes in the ozone layer are caused by aerosols, they should watch •
the Arsenal side as they hoof the ball into the air in the hope that it
might bounce luckily to Ian Wright. Wright can actually play
football and will obviously not feature in George Graham’s long-
term plans. When he goes, Derek will be watching an Arsenal team
that will be in every way a match for the legendary double side of
1971. A team so paralysingly boring that they couldn’t even arrange
pre-season friendlies in South Africa or Japan.
Single, or rather mob handedly, they have almost killed off
football. They will certainly kill Derek and serve him fudging right.
I tell you, it will be the first fudging thing that Arsenal has done for
the good of humanity. After that, who knows, they might blow
themselves up and raze the stadium to the ground but I doubt it.
Arsenal have never been known for entertainment.