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Brand new Joke thread (Not all PC)

mick cooper said:
an australian ventriloquist visiting new zealand walks
into a small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the kiwi

... 'g'day, mind if i talk to your dog?'

villager: 'the dog doesn't talk, you stupid aussie.'

ventriloquist: 'hello dog, how's it going mate?'

dog: 'yeah, doin' all right.'

kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

ventriloquist: 'is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

dog: 'yep'

ventriloquist: 'how does he treat you?'

dog: 'yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me
great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

ventriloquist: 'mind if i talk to your horse?'

kiwi: 'uh, the horse doesn't talk either...i think.'

ventriloquist: 'hey horse, how's it going?'

horse: 'cool'

kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

ventriloquist: 'is this your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

horse: 'yep'

ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me
from the elements.'

kiwi: (total look of amazement)

ventriloquist: 'mind if i talk to your sheep?'

kiwi: (in a panic) 'the sheep's a f**kin' liar......
Click to expand...

excellent!!!!!
 
You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who
shot President Reagan in 1981. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie
star Jodie Foster and, in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to
make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.
There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been
rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from
Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley. We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady:

To: John Hinckley
From Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we
are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's
spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no
grudge against you for shooting Ronnie.

We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such
an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete
recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
 
mick cooper said:
You might recall that John Hinckley was a seriously deranged young man who
shot President Reagan in 1981. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie
star Jodie Foster and, in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to
make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.
There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been
rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from
Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley. We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady:

To: John Hinckley
From Mrs. Nancy Reagan

My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we
are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's
spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no
grudge against you for shooting Ronnie.

We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such
an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete
recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

Best wishes,
Nancy Reagan & Family

P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
Click to expand...
:ross:
 
The Republican Convention is a lot like Comic-Con, except everyone's dressed as Emperor Palpatine
 
Comic Con is where the geeks go, dressed up as their favorite comic book or scifi character. Palpatine is the bad guy from Star Wars, a politician who became the evil emperor.
 
Jordinho said:
Comic Con is where the geeks go, dressed up as their favorite comic book or scifi character. Palpatine is the bad guy from Star Wars, a politician who became the evil emperor.
Click to expand...




Ah!!!!!


Forgot to mention, don't give a brick either :lol:
 
Nick Clegg walked into a branch of HSBC to cash a cheque. As he approached the cashier he said "Good morning , could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure Sir. Could you please show me your ID?"

Clegg: "Well I didn’t bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Nick Clegg, the Deputy Prime Minister!!!"

Cashier: "I’m sorry, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of impostors and forgers, etc. I must insist on proof of
identity."

Clegg: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."

Cashier: "I am sorry Deputy Prime Minister but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Clegg: "I need this cheque cashed."

Cashier: "Perhaps there’s another way: One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without ID.

To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup.

With that shot we knew him to be Colin Montgomery and cashed his cheque.

Another time, Andy Murray came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where the tennis ball landed in my
cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque..

So sir, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the Deputy Prime Minister?"

Clegg stood there thinking and finally says: "Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I'm good at."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small notes, deputy Prime Minister?"
ip.gif
 
A little reminder to the those who took part in the London Riots of 2011........your manufacturers years warranty has run out on your Electrical goods !!!!
 
The body of an unfortunate football fan who apparently drowned after a drunken swim has washed ashore on the banks of the Thames. He was discovered by passers-by wearing fishnet stockings, split-crotch panties, a gimp mask and an Arsenal shirt. Police removed his shirt to avoid unnecessary embarrassment to his family.


Hear about the clumsy circumciser? He slipped and got the sack
 
Boonie said:
The body of an unfortunate football fan who apparently drowned after a drunken swim has washed ashore on the banks of the Thames. He was discovered by passers-by wearing fishnet stockings, split-crotch panties, a gimp mask and an Arsenal shirt. Police removed his shirt to avoid unnecessary embarrassment to his family.
Click to expand...

I thought it was going to be a joke about Chich until you got to the Arsenal shirt.
 
A woman is looking for broccoli in a supermarket. Not finding any, she approaches a stockboy and asks him whether he has any broccoli. "Sorry ma'am, we won't have broccoli until next week." Unconvinced, she goes looking for broccoli again, and not finding any, she approaches the stockboy again. "Like I said last time ma'am, we don't have any broccoli right now and won't have any until next week." Undeterred by what she didn't want to hear, she goes looking for broccoli, and not finding any, approaches the same stockboy a third time to inquire. The stockboy says: "Look ma'am, can you spell 'cat' as in catfish"?
Woman: Sure, C-A-T.
Stockboy: And can you spell 'dog', as in dogwood?
Woman: Of course, D-O-G.
Stockboy: So, can you spell 'fudge', as in broccoli?
Woman (perplexed): But there isn't any 'fudge' in broccoli!
Stockboy: That's what I've been trying to tell you. There ain't no fudgein' broccoli.
 
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a
house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to
the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into
the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped
convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't
seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex,
don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter
how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets
angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we
had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
 
I was having dirty sex with my missus last night, and I shoved a few grapes up her arse.
She didn't scream ofr anything, just let out a little whine.
 
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